Gratefulness~ pt.4

”I didn’t know!!! When did they become a couple???”
”Kinda cool that she’s a trainee but isn’t she a little bit too young for him lol”
”So… She’s a trainee at YG bc of him? Lol that’s kinda sad”
”I think they’re cute but… it’s not gonna last haha”
”BUT HE’S MINE!”

I’m rolling under my sheets. I don’t want to get up. Today I should try to be happy and strong, say goodbyes to him and send him far away. Then I’ll stay here alone and recieve all the critique and hate and death treaths.

Somehow one single comment under the video of us in the show made the whole fandom flip. They all started to believe in it, that we actually were together. Of course, there were also fans who didn’t believe anything until they would get confirmation from YG himself. Ji Yong already knew how to react to rumours and hate and it was predictable that it would have happened someday anyway. It was just more serious after the other rumours, more like a confirmation for the fans that there actually was something happening in his love life and that the girl in the pictures, where they could only see a grainy glimpse of her, now had possibly a face and a name.
Ji had apologized me countless of times how sorry he was for getting me into this when everything else was so new to me as well. Maybe he thought I could be strong or maybe he just didn’t expect the rumours to be spread so fast and furiously. It was actually surprise to all of us. But one thing was sure, the writer of the comment was an insider. That’s how much the anonymous person knew.
I thought too that I could be strong and it would be okay for me. I thought that I knew myself. Why it felt like a lie wasn’t just because of the thing that I would be famous because of him. But something inside of me was churning and it made me feel sick. It made me cry. Or I didn’t really cry. I just felt sick. In public.

I slept barely an hour last night and the condition of my face shows it. The bags under my eyes are huge. My head hurts and my every muscle too because I haven’t had time to rest.
Gyo Mi-Ok drags me to the breakfast table, pours yoghurt on chopped fruit and sprinkles some sort of granola on the top. Then she sits down at the table with me. I can here noises from the shower and Ariel is waking up herself in the other bedroom. The sun has hardly risen above the horizon.
”Be strong today,” Mi-Ok tells me while offering me some orange juice. It feels like I can not stay sane. Why am I even this shocked, I wonder in my mind. There are things that I should be far more shocked about and this is certainly one of them. I am just so surprised from all the sudden changes in my life. That’s how it has to be.

When afternoon comes, I’m still staring at the suitcases near the door, stuffed with Korean things as gifts for my family
”Isn’t GD waiting for you?” Narelle wonders. Mi-Ok tugs the blotting sheet out of my face and throws it in the trash. With her magic skills she has gotten my absurdly bloated face to look somehwhat normal.
”Oh, yeah,” I startle and respond a bit more cheerfully this time, smiling. ”I better run to see him!”
But Narelle turns to look outside of the window and smiles widely at the sight:
”I don’t think you have to…”
I peek from behind her and see a white Bentley standing at the parking lot. Ji is searching for something inside of his car before getting up. He looks amazing. He has dressed up in retro design clothes, with his golden chain sunglasses and Louis Vuitton bag with him of course, to show off his airport fashion. I still wonder how I got him as my own, and probably always will. I humm happily and go to open the door while the other girls are drooling the window wet.
Ji Yong comes to be with a bright smile on his fave and captures me in ahug. His warmth and presence hasn’t felt this good for a long time. Not so meaningful. And we both now the reason why. Because we won’t see each other for a while. That’s why we are squeezing each other, holding our breaths and letting the aunt from the neighbourhood stare at us with her morning news in her hands, thinking who that fancy-looking brat clinging onto me is. It’s my Kwon Ji Yong, I answer her in my mind. My very important Kwon Ji Yong. So important and wise that he probably doesn’t even know it himself.
Ji sighs as he pulls himself back reluctantly but still holding his hands on my sides thight. It feels good and I feel myself important to him as well. He is actually going to miss me a lot. It’s genuine.
”Do you want to go now?” he asks and takes a sad look at the bags.
”You should as if I’m ready to go. I don’t want to,” I say as I run my finger on his good quality patterned shirt. Maybe I’m filling my wardrobes with expensive clothes too someday.
”Don’t you want to see your family?” Ji raises his eyebrows behind his sunglasses.
”Uh, yeah but,” I squirm. ”I want to see you too all the time…”
”I will call you every day. And send kisses. I promise you, okay?” I see that he’s trying smile although it’s not easy for him. I place my hand on his cheek.
”You don’t have to act strong. Aren’t you gonna miss me?”
And as an answer I just have another thight hug, he burying his face in my curls. I sigh deeply. It’s time to leave.

The plans were that I would go to the SBS building with Ji and wait for his interview to end and after that he would still go to a few other radio shows to give a hint about his future American debut.
And although it did take a few hours, it felt like we were running at permanent farewell. The further the day passed, the darker it seemed to get. Tomorrow it would be much brighter again once I would get back home. I can’t wait to get to squeeze my lovely little brother, to tease my big brother and to tell Hyun Suk’s greetings to my mom. He also gave me a small gift package to give her which was sweet of him. I have started to feel like he was a father figure for me because I have never had a real father. I can still remember the humiliating day when Young Bae along with Hyun Suk happened to be there to hear my shower singing. Without that accident I wouldn’t be here right now, or maybe he would have heard my voice later linked with a little less embarrassing moment. But it doesn’t matter so much how I got to know him because I’m happy it happened. Although Hyun Suk seemed to be a little sullen from the outside at first and, I have to admit, a little scary too we get along well. Almost every day I get to listen compliments about my quick improvement and I prefer to sit at lunch with the CEO than to sit alone or with Jennie Kim for example. I can say that I am happy that I have settled down in Korea. To all the people, manners, cultural differences. I knew a lot beforehand, before coming into the country, but I really do enjoy myself here. My second home is in Korea.

But before I got to see Ji Yong catching his own flight and leave to find mine, we go to the beach to have a little walk and chat.
I lean against the stonewall. Strong wind blows from the sea, lifting the great waves and pushing them over the beach sand, bringing seaweed and sticks with it.
”Do you remember the beach in China?” Ji leans on the wall beside me and smells the salty air. It’s somehow so beautiful and peaceful.
”We kissed there for the first time,” I remember the evening very well. I’m holding the heart medallion I always wear between the tips of my fingers.
”Yes, we did,” a wide grin spreads on his face.
”Illegally,” I add. ”You were still in a relationship.”
”I’ve been thinking about it too,” Ji fixes his sunglasses and brushes fingers through his hair.
”If everything would have been okay, I wouldn’t have kissed you.”
I understand it, and nod. Because everything wasn’t okay he felt the need to escape the reality from time to time somewhere else. I really wish that I could help him to find the peace. But again if I can’t do that, it’s all right. Then I can only wish that someone else finds the way to help him.
”I wanted to apologize you,” he says suddenly and takes my hand.
”I’m so sorry, Minea,” Ji Yong’s brown eyes turn to look at me. His dark hair is wavering because of the wind and only the lightest makeup on his face makes him look like he came from a dream, although I loved his natural face.
”I’ve been rude. You are not always the one who’s wrong. I’m so sorry for saying all the bad words. I’m sorry for being such an idiot lately…” His pale fingers lock around mine. A piece gets stuck in my throat and I can’t do anythign else but to stare at him without blinking my eyes.
”I have to get to know my limits. And to know when I’m wrong.”
When a man opens up with things there has to be silence and ears that listen every words. That’s how special it is.
”You really mean the world to me now,” a quiet sentence that sounds like a whisper gets to me. It’s the best feeling, feeling of being important to someone.
”You know,” Ji clears his throat and looks back at the sea to change the subject to something I didn’t know yet.
”I’m always alone. It might not look like it… But that’s how it feels on the inside. I’m alone on my own level. That’s the illness of people like me. Idols. I don’t want you to feel like this. Ever,” Ji glances at me but only quickly to see how scared I am.
”But can’t we be less lonely together?” I ask without thinking about it too much.
”That’s not it,” he looks as a seagull flies by. ”It can’t be erased. I have tried, believe me. Many times. And whenever I’m in a relationship, the feeling of loneliness… It still stays.”
”Still? Are you lonely right now?” I stare at the stormy waves as a reflection from his dark sunglasses. Ji nods.
”Oh,” I breath. ”I’m so sorry! For not making you feel any better,” I look at him worried. I feel myself failed. I’m not the right person for him. I don’t make him feel whole.
”Sorry…?” he gets confused of my words and the atmosphere changes into a whole new one.
”Aren’t you angry?”
”Angry?” I ask. ”Why would I be angry?”
Ji tries to read my expression, looking stunned.
”I’m saying that we are together and I still feel lonely. Even with you and still I’m here waisting your time,” he pronounces everything overly clearly this time.
”Yes but I’m not angry. That’s sad.”
”You won’t leave me?”
”Wouldn’t that be even worse? You would be super lonely!” I exclaim in confusion.
”Wow,” he chuckles slightly by himself. ”Daebak…”
”I will stay by your side if you want me to. And I will try my hardest to make you feel better. If you want me to of course,” I smile calmly and grab a hold around his arm. He shakes his head slowly from side to side and grins, not believen my reaction.
”You really have no idea, just how nice it is to hear you saying that,” his eyes brighten and get a bit watery behind the lenses.
”No, no, no! Don’t get so emotional,” I press my head against his shoulder and hold thighter of his arm. ”Has somebody left you because of that? Because you can’t feel perfectly?”
And I can feel him nodding and humming as a yes.
”It’s not liek I can’t love but that I’m trapped inside with my thoughts. With my life. I don’t know how to explain it but it can’t be changed.”
”So,” I begin and copy his lyrics. ”You were alone anyway.”
I can feel another nod against my hair. I look up at him. Ji Yong’s dark, honest eyes are staring back at mine. Peacefully. Blissfully.
”I need you.”
Cold chills run down my back.
”Why?” I dare to ask.
”Because I love you.”
And before I get to even digest his confession with the tip of my tongue, his moist lips sink on my own and press so close to me I can feel it with my whole body.

And that was the moment I understood everything. How the universe had set us together with luck. Also my feelings… I loved him too. I really did. I love now more than ever. It feels like doors to a cage had finally opened and my feelings had flitted hitting every single part of me with their wings. I just hadn’t been brave enough to love. Not after how disappointed I had been before and how I had buried my feelings because of Joakim and at the same time forgotten what it even felt like. What it feels like to care about something or someone so freaking much. But now I know again. And I know it better than before. The fear had been defeated.
This burning passion that eats me alive and swallows me as a whole that I can’t escape from. Not did it last time feel te same. Not this big. Not this real. The feelig is here, present here in this exact moment. But I know that it will not vanish after it. It won’t abandon me, it won’t hide. It will stay. I’m not anymore crushed or fond of. I’m not just a fan girl. I’m a woman who has the right to love Kwon Ji Yong. The man I now know better than myself but who helped me to find who I am myself. And, as a matter of fact, I think I helped him to find a bit of himself too.
The cages that once were locked. The wings that carried no more. The sould that didn’t want.

Together. We had to stay together.

Notes

Finallllly got my computer back! There goes my last chapters. The part 5 will start going out as soon as I get to write it further a bit. It's coming someday and that's a promise.
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Teaser for the Outro of Part 4