Gratefulness~ pt.4

Panic. Panic. Panic.
JI Yong hasn't contacted me and I think I just understood the reason for that.
"Young Bae!" I scream with heart-braking voice and grab him, fall to his legs, strengthless. I see black. This is my end. I can just book the ticket back to Finland. I shamed the whole nation. I'm so sorry... Take me away!

The coldness. The numb feeling. The agony. The misery. And again, the numb feeling.

I'm leaning on Taeyang's side, shaking. I don't feel warm although he's steaming, even sweating. The lamp goes on and off and on an off. I'm waiting for it to go off completely. My light...
The room sways around be. That's how long I have been staring it. Slowly, from side to side... It becomes blurred and then it brightens before it gets blurred again. I don't know if I'm living or dying. The hum inside of my head is rejecting all the sweet words the man next to me is trying to comfort me with. Darkness... I feel dizzy. I could die now. Before I get to know that everyone else knows as well. Just take me away. Tear me and rip me. Wash me with barbed wire and grate me with saw. I don't feel anymore. I am... Gone. All that once was meaningful to me... Was lost. Only a wind that made my soul frozen was blowing through my hollow core.

When time has passed by, I don't know how long it was, an hour or a day, I turn to look at Young Bae who has stayed on my side faithfully and awake all the time. He looks at me slowly. My glazed gaze must tell everything. He doesn't need to question. No need for talking.
In the silence, I crack my mouth open and whisper painfully: "Am I allowed to die now...?"

My squelching steps against the wet street. The sport bag being dragged behind me. A piece of rubbish on the ground. An end of an cigarette. A bubble gum that has been stomped on.
I couldn't sleep, so it didn't matter if I just left back to the dorm. The sun hasn't risen yet. It's like it wouldn't rise at all.

I cut through walking along a dark street. Maybe I even wish that there would be someone who would end my days. And no one would never again see even a glimpse of me. There are still street lamps that try to make the darkness a little more bearable. I notice the dark tent that has been put up on the left side of the street. Suddenly my legs wont carry me anymore. I walk to the tent in pain, hoping that there was someone and that I could sit down for a second. I can't carry my bag anymore and it falls on the ground. I manage to take the last steps closer. I grab the fabric and try to open the door part. At least it's not locked.
Vice versa. There's an oil lamp lightning up the tent and behind the counter a grandmother is cleaning glasses. At this time of the day? At this time, anything can happen, I think to myself. I step inside and greet grandma with a weak bow. She smiles at me a little and glances at the other side of the tent. I turn to look at the same direction. It can't be. A familiar-looking head has sunk on the table that is decorated with a pretty row of bottles. A red jacket, old rag sneakers. And the white- and grey-coloured jeans that his sister has designed.

Notes

I had problems with internet connection so the marathon failed slightly but I will release the chapters now->
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Teaser for chapter 23