Gratefulness~ pt.4

I stumble at the stairs but I still find myself at the rooftop. My mind isn't working. I sit down on the last step and lean against the wall. I see over the city. Wind blows over the open space and dry leaves run down the steps. Where did I put my phone...
I go through my pockets and then I grab my handbag and decide to empty it completely beside me. A notebook, lip balm, powder, cigarettes... What? CIgarettes? And a lighter. Somebody must have hidden them in my bag accidentally. I look at them hesitating. I can almost smell the smoke in my nostrils and before I even realise, I am already holding a warm cigarette in my fingers. I don't smoke. Only very very seldom. Only if I really want to.
So, I think to myself. Kiko knows my secret but she has not told Ji Yong, yet. She just threathens Taeyang. What am I going to do? I know that I have to do something because I created the mess. How did Kiko even get to know about it? Well, it doesn't matter. She knows. I really begin to think that maybe she has hired secret agents to creep me or something illegal. I don't even want to know, maybe. I just have to help Young Bae.

"How is your day?"
"What?"
"What are you doing today, I mean?" Ji Yong asks me on phone as I'm packing my stuff for Friday evening's practices.
"Umm," I look for my socks. "I'm pretty busy today."
After the short call my phone beeps as a sign of a message. It's from Sara but unfortunately I don't have time to talk with her. Right now I have some other business to do.

I rush up the stairs. Ji hasn't bothered me anymore. He hasn't even sent me a goodnight message although it's already three am. I don't let it bother me. I walk out of the glass doors again and stay in the middle of the concrete yard. I smell the fresh and misty air. It's silent. And dark. Somewhere further away a sharp-voiced dog is barking and the voices of traffic echoes from the stone walls. I look over my left shoulder and notice a parked sports car on the other side of the road. The window goes down and a hand suggests me to come closer.

"Ah!" I almost run to the car and sit in Young Bae's car. He greets me with a nod, no words, and speeds down the streets.
"I made you a bed next to mine so we can talk about it. Is it okay?" Tae drives carefully, observing the enviroment. After a long long day it feels nice to just sit as a passenger and go to a bed that is already been made. As I get relaxed and forget to answer, he wants to make sure:
"Or I can move it if you want to?"
"Oh, no," I smile shortly. "It's okay. I don't care." We are getting closer to his apartment.
"Did she contact you today? Text or call or something...?" I ask.
"Actually, no," Tae turns to the parking lot and parks the car quickly. "And that's why I'm afraid of her. We have no idea what she's about to do next," he looks at me.
We get out of the car and I get my back from the backseat where I threw it. I collect the lip balm I accidentally dropped on the floor and then close the door. He locks them.
"Have you any idea?" I follow behind him.
"Not at all."
We both consider the issue silently as we stand in the elevator and as we sneak in the hallway like we were on a mission. Tae opens the door, puts on the lights and goes to make us coffee. Or green tea actually because I don't like coffee.

I bury myself in freshly washed sheets that smell like a dream after having changed into my pyjamas. Young Bae comes into the room blowing on the two hot drinks in his hands. He sets the tea down next to me and notices the pile of clothes next to the wall.
Oh. You changed already," he mumbles.
I nod. He turns around.
"Wait for a second..."
And I don't mind, while wrapping myself in warm sheets, on bed that Taeyang made for me, in his spacious and breezy bedroom. I slowly lean on my side and bury myself even deeper under the blankets. I hope he would come back soon so that I wouldn't fall asleep. I open my eyes wide open to prevent that. We need to discuss Kiko and her possible moves. Maybe she will tell Ji Yong just like that? Or maybe she is even more evil and he reveals everything to media and JI gets to know how stupid I have been by that way. I am such a horrible person. I don't want to be. I shake my head aggressively. I don't want him to feel bad! And I certainly don't want him to cry! I take my head between my hands. I pull my own hair. Why did I do that? Why why why? I will never forgive myself. And that's how the guilt and pain and self-hatred and disgust makes a comeback. I should just disappear. I should be like I never was. I don't deserve this life. Ji doesn't deserve this.
"Hey," Tae has come back and saw my painful expression. A lonely tear falls on my cheek from the outer corner of my eye as I glance at him. I can see confusion and anxiety in his eyes as he crouches down next to me and wraps his strong arms around me immediately.
"It's okay. We will be just fine," he strokes my back. I hide my face behind my hands.
"Aaw," Tae squeezes me properly and I hug him carefully.
"I shouldn't have left you alone in the room. Don't cry, baby girl. It's going to be just fine. I am here for you."
I move backwards. I don't know what I should do.
"Let's find a way to deal with her, right?"
I sob and nod at his direction. I can't look at him with my red-coloured eyes.
"You've got a message," he notices as he moves away from my phone and hands it to me. I look at it confused. At this time of the night? And two messages even. I just really hope it would be Ji Yong.

'So this is how you treat your boyfriend?' comes with a picture of me and Taeyang just an hour ago walking into the apartment building.

'Just in case you were wondering, Ji Yong knows. He knows everything. Every single little thing you've done..."

Notes

Teaser for chapter 21