Gratefulness~ pt.4

"I won't judge. I have made mistakes in love too", Young Bae tells me as we are discussing this and that over the table.
"I haven't cheated on anyone but there are many people who have done that. You are not the only one."
I nod silently and stuff my cheeks with rice. But still, a thing like what I've done doesn't mean that it would be any less worse if many people would have done it. It's not better even if it's common. Some smaller mistakes like falling or mixing words up are okay. And you only worry about them for a second. This will last.
"Are you going to tell Ji Yong?"
I think about it long and well. I wouldn't like to. I'm not brave enough. And I don't want to hurt him. I think he has suffered enough already because of Kiko. For so long and too much.
"I don't want to..."
"Then don't. Just forget what happened," Young Bae says boldly. He acts like he was my long lost best friend. Why hadn't I always known him? A friend like that would have been missed and needed many times in the past when no one were there for me, no one listened to me or understood me. Maybe the reason for him being like this is because he's older than me. He's mature. He has seen the world.
"You are so friendly even after all what I've done," I feel embarrassed and put the chopsticks down for a moment.
"People are quickly to judge but slow to think. Behind every human, there lies some secrets, there are lies," he says while mixing his food. "Others see only the outside. How people look and how they act. But no one really can look for the reasons behind their behaviour or maybe behind their looks. There are so many possibilities. You have to respect everyone and try to understand others. Life is very complicated."
I haven't heard such wise words for a good while. And now that we're alone, I can see a whole new side of Tae. Not just the fun and energetic Tae who he is with his members and with his friends. He is also so wise. Suddenly I look at him with new eyes.
"I know," I state. "Prejudice is the worst. The way people expect to know you but they really don't. Nobody should get judged without a real reason."
Taeyang nods, smiles and puts his chopsticks down as well. He looks at me happily.
"You are so easy to talk with," he says and I blush. I'm so bad at accepting praises. Instead, I turn the spotlight on him.
"But you just saved me! Seriously. You could have just abandoned me but no, you helped me. I can't really thank you enough."
Tae laughs lightly. "I wanted to," he smiles.
"I owe you... What can I do to make this up for you? Help you with your lyrics or do you have problems of your own?"
He smirks and then gropes his chin, thinking.
"I will come up with something later."

As the evening gets closer, I move to practice my new song. It's the day again when I have to go and show off my skills to Hyun Suk and the rest of the crew. I have to convince that I am good enough and that I'm suitable for my future group.
I climb up the stairs to the floor closest to the clouds but before I get there, I will have to take a breath while leaning on the handrail. I feel dizzy but fortunately only for a minute.
Cecily smiles at me inside Hyun Suk's office and I'm quite suprised to find her there. She stands in the middle of the room with important-looking papers in her hands, smiling mysteriously. I take a quick look around me. There's no one else.
"What's happening...?" I ask confused and she walks to me.
"It's time for your first showcase."
I take my lyrics back from her.
"Really? Now?" I utter a silent laughter when she already pushes me towards the elevator.
"Hyun Suk and the other trainees are waiting. You will perform with Gyo Mi-Ok and Bu Bae Kwan," Cecily explains to me and when we get to the first floor we head outside and straight into a black van. She sits on the opposite of me.
"I guess you are performing the song you have been training...?"
"Oh, yeah. I gues," I keep nodding. I'm waiting horrified but excited for what is waiting for me.

Soon after we walk into the building from a side door I hear familiar music playing. It's G-Dragon's older production and then it quickly changes to iKon's song. We through the backstage rooms and open the door that is situated next to the stage. I see a group of YG dance trainees performing their own show and in the audience sits some other trainees and some YG family members who have come to see the performances. Yang Hyun Suk is sitting in the front row and right now leaning against the palm of his right hand, judging hard. I gulp nervously. Next to him sits managers and producers. I see Lydia Paek and Teddy Park, and in the back iKon's Bobby and B.I and Winner's Taehyun. In the darkest corner sits Daesung with Lee Hi and Daesung smiles at me widely and waves. A part of the trainees sits down, watching the others performing and waiting for their turn. I wave back at Daesung, glad that even one of my friends is sitting in the audience so that I can feel a bit more comfortable.
"Can I...?" I ask Cecily, who's concentrating on the papers, and point at Daesung. She lifts her head up and shakes it.
"It's almost your turn. Follow me," she says and I try to keep up with her pace. She takes me to the dressing room where the girls of New Girl Group are sitting closest to the door and Bu Bae Kwan and Gyo Mi-Ok are waiting further away. The girls look relaxed almost like they would soon fall asleep if they wouldn't get to perform already. Gyo Mi-Ok is moving the mic in her sweaty hands and Bu Bae Kwan is of course casually leaning against the wall and reading the lyrics from her paper.
"Heyy!" Mi-Ok yells happily as she sees me.
"Hello," I smile shyly and sit next to her.
"Here are your lyrics," Cecily hands them to me and leaves. I check how many verses I have to sing again. It's a combination of many love songs and Bu Bae Kwan's rap parts.
"I'm so excited," Mi-Ok can't sit still. "This is not my first time on stage but it's so stressful!"
I totally know what she means. My whole body is itching. Almost like it was my first time to ever perform to a real audience although it's really just a showcase.
New Girl Group stands up, Jennie Kim flips her hair and then they walk to the stage. Soon it's our turn.

"Aah!" Gyo Mi-Ok sighs out of relief as we head back to the dressing room. I did pretty well in my opinion. I sang a part of Twin Fork's song 'Cross My Mind' and a part of Epik High's 'New Beautiful' song. But when I saw that G-Dragon had suddenly showed up and sat between the CEO and Lydia Paek, I was near to die. Still, I sang the songs gladly and professionally although I felt scarily cold on the inside. He eyesmiled at me, still maintaining his judging expression pretty well. I tried to avoid his gaze as much as possible.

I drink a glass of water in the kitchen and walk to my room. I fall on my bed, tired, and think about the things for a moment. I feel so empty... Then I get up sitting. I'm all alone because Ariel is still carrying out the showcase mission. He's performing with boys which is maybe out of the ordinary.
I look around myself. I stand up and walk to the food box mom has sent me again. She has sent one every other week and this time also Sara has put something inside. A bottle of pure Finnish alcohol. "So that you wouldn't have to drink some weird stuff :))" says the pink Post It. I smile a little. I can hear Gyo Mi-Ok yawning loudly and then closing the door after her. Narelle was already asleep when we got back.
I turn to look back at the bottle, just stare at it silently. What would be more Finnish way to solve problems if not drinking, I think to myself and take it in my hands. I hide it in my bag and put on warm clothes; a thick mint pullover, white jeans and white fur boots. I also put on a white fur coat and press the familiar brimmed hat on my head. I wait for a moment to make sure that the girls are really sleeping. I peek into the corridor. I can see only black from the crack under their door. It's silent. I can safely disappear into the darkness of the night again without anyone noticing...

Notes

Teaser for chapter 14