Uncertain Happiness

“So it’s settled. We hope you both get along well.” Lee Sunghwan said as he walked out of the room and gently shut the door behind him. Baekhyun and Taeyeon left standing silently in the room, eyes trained on the ground, or the wall, averting each other’s eyes. Baekhyun risked a glance at her, eyes catching her beautiful lips before quickly looking away. He had always admired Taeyeon, she was beautiful, nice, smart and talented. So talented. Baekhyun had always loved how her strong voice would hold through the gasping seconds of time that he used to struggle with. It was through her that he found the determination to practise his singing and improve. Baekhyun attempted to break the silence and maybe get to know his new girlfriend. “So...” He started, but Taeyeon moved first. She threw herself at the door and ran down the hallway. She burst into the nearest bathroom and gasped for air into her tired lungs. Clutching the sides of the sink in front of her she looked at herself in the mirror. Who knew she would ever become the girlfriend of Byun Baekhyun. Even if the whole relationship was planned, she was still Byun Baekyun’s girlfriend. She never really got to know him, she was always too shy and afraid that her body would be as transparent as glass and show the colour red that flowed from her heart into every vein and vessel in her body. The colour of passion, admiration, love. Yes it was true; she had fallen in love with a man she had never really spoken to. She would always watch him wandering around the corridors of the SM building and find that she was smiling to herself. She would always hear his sweet strong voice emitting from the practise rooms. The sound of his voice always made her hair on the back of her neck stand up, whether he was singing or simply talking. She quickly ran her fingers through her hair to smooth it out before rushing out of the bathroom, she couldn’t wait to tell her friends that she was Baekhyun’s girlfriend.

Chanyeol was sitting on the bed, plucking at the strings of his guitar before Baekhyun came in. He set his guitar aside just in time for Baekhyun to come and rest his head on his leg. Baekhyun sighed. “What’s wrong?” Chanyeol asked as he combed his roommate’s hair away from his face. Baekhyun sighed again before explaining the situation. “Manager Sunghwan has arranged for Taeyeon and I to um...” He hesitated and tried not to look at Chanyeol in the eyes who looked down at him with a gentle smile on his face. “Taeyeon and I are in a relationship.” Before Chanyeol’s face could even twitch Baekhyun got up and hugged Chanyeol tightly. “But it’s only a fake relationship I swear to you. Sunghwan is making me do this. SM is making me do this. It’s only so EXO can become really popular. I’m sorry.” Baekhyun explained as he buried his face into Chanyeol’s shoulder. Chanyeol gently peeled Baekhyun away from him, but his smile remained embedded like stone.
“I’m happy for you.” He said. “You’ve always liked Taeyeon so – “
“But I like you more.” Baekhyun wailed and latched onto him again.
Chanyeol’s smile fell into a straight line.
“Do you really mean that?” He asked monotonously.
Chanyeol felt Baekhyun nod against his skin, but he shook his head.
“You shouldn’t.” He said.
Baekhyun parted to look at Chanyeol. “Why?”
“You can’t like men. I’m a man.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want to be normal? Normal men like women.” Chanyeol clicked his tongue in disgust.
“But...you like me...” Baekhyun said awkwardly.
“That’s why I’m not normal. Do you want to go every day having to hide who you truly are because you’re afraid of what others will think of you? I just want you to have a normal life, so go ahead, I don’t mind, date Taeyeon.”
Baekhyun could feel his face becoming hot with anger. He opened his palms and pushed Chanyeol down so that he lied down while he was on top.
“Why do you say things like that?” Baekhyun asked shakily. A tear fell from his eyes and landed on Chanyeol’s face. “Why can’t you accept my feelings for you? I like you, Chanyeol. I really like you. But you just turn around and tell me that I shouldn’t, why, so I can be normal? What is normal? What if I don’t want to be normal? I don’t want to be normal because I want to be with you. I don’t want to throw away the three months that we had.” Baekhyun’s lip quivered and he started sobbing gently. “Don’t cry.” Chanyeol soothed as he reached up to wipe the tears from his lover’s eyes. “Do you really mean all that you said?” He asked as he slowly sat up. Baekhyun nodded, eyes shut tightly, trying to stop the continuous flow of salty tears. “If you mean it, then I’ll accept it.” Chanyeol smiled gently, not for Baekhyun to see with closed eyes, but to reassure himself that he did want Baekhyun to return his feelings. He leaned over and kissed Baekhyun’s eye. Shocked, Baekhyun jerked back. “What are you doing?” But Chanyeol just kept kissing at the tears sliding down Baekhyun’s cheek. “Stop.” Baekhyun gasped as he leaned further away. “I won’t stop.” Chanyeol said. “Not until these tears are all gone.” Baekhyun stayed silent, swallowing down the hiccups that threaten to jump out of his throat and admit weakness. Chanyeol moved down, kissing the sharp edge of Baekhyun’s jaw, the smooth nape of his neck, his beautiful collarbone. Baekhyun whispered Chanyeol’s name and he stopped. He looked up and into the dark eyes of his lover. “I really like you. More than I will ever like Taeyeon.” Baekhyun said while avoiding his gaze. Chanyeol sat up, grasping gently but firmly onto Baekhyun’s hands. “I like you more, more than I will ever like anyone else.” Baekhyun’s eyes caught his own, a flicker of uncertain happiness dancing in the pupils. Happy that they were lovers, uncertain about if they would last. This state of bliss couldn’t stay forever, they couldn’t hide forever. Their secret would come soon, as soon as the blazing sun rising up to illuminate the world and show everyone what is in front of them. Their secret would come soon. They could not determine when or in what form. They only knew that they should enjoy the sweet moments which they could afford and prepare themselves for the day everyone learns the bittersweet news.

Notes