Gratefulness~ pt.3

I'm looking at older photos on my new computer. I can find pictures of Korean artists that I have found on the Internet. There's plenty of them, especially of one specific person. G-Dragon.
Oh, wow. How will I ever be able to meet him again, I think to myself. I've tried to forget so hard and for so long time! But what can I do. I see him everywhere. My Pinterest and Instagram accounts are full of Big Bang. Their posters have appeared on every corner. I always happen to be in the right place at the right time when their new music plays on the radio or from the speakers in shopping malls, restaurants... Even on the streets somebody was listening to it.

Comeback. I have tried to avoid listening to their new songs but then, one night, I listened the whole album through. And I cried. Alone in the empty house. The same voices, the familiar vibes. The same flawless faces and bodies on the promotion pictures and on the CD covers.

If I had stayed in China and continued my journey to South Korea, were would I be now? Would I be a trainee or even a member of some rookie group already? What would the other members be like? Would I be working long hours and sleeping only pathetic two or three hours a night? Would I be reading critiques and instulting comments directed to me on social medias? Would I have my own tab on YG's website? Would I be making my dreams come true? And

Would I walk hand in hand with him?

I'm missing you... A silent whisper in my mind.

I wonder what GD was thinking about when I left. How is he and how are the others? Do they still remember me or do they think that I was just one fan among the other billions and trillions of fans? One pathetic fan who thought she could get what she wanted...

I startle when somebody sits on my bed behind me and I close all the files immediately. I turn around and see my little brother Anton.
"What?" I ask annoyed of him disturbing me.
"Are you going to go and see that Big Bang again?" he asks and looks at me in a weird way. Is he sad?
"Yeah, why?" I answer.
"How can you leave now when mom --", Anton can't finish the sentence and he looks down, expecting me to know what he's meaning.
"Mom will survive. She has you two", I say comfortingly and touch little brother's shoulder for a second. "You are supporting her, right?"
Anton looks at me in the eyes.
"What if... What if mom isn't here anymore when you come back?"
I gulp and feel more sensitive seeing him like this. But I try to look confident and strong.
"Don't you worry! The doctors promised she would be fine", I comfort him and smile.
"But promise to come right back", he demands and I nod.
"Of course. Nothing can stop me. I will come right back home after the concert." I hug my brother long and then Anton leaves the room.
I open the files again and look at them for a while more. I find a file where I have hidden some of the pictures taken with my phone. All of the snapchats from Hong Kong, from Big Bang's dressing room and my outfits... And then there's the one that shows Big Bang talking at the table. Only Ji is focused on me, smiling. At me. Because of me.
"That all happened for real", I sigh and close the files for good.

At work I do my normal tasks: I'm at the cash register, I fill the shelves, I clean. The basic work any other high school student has done at some part of their lives. Ah.
Only Riia and Jare won't come to ask for discounts or free pick'n'mix candies. Aada won't tell me to order Hello Kitty lollipops and Hannes won't come to me to complain about the shortage of health products. Even Tomi doesn't come to chat with me and ask me to have coffee with him at the nearby coffeehouse. I miss our deep conversations that no one else understands. I am all alone here in Kokkola, except a few early bird grandmas and two little thieves. But I have Joakim. I have to have someone.

When I get home from work, I have to start packing for the little trip. I'm not jumping excited like Sara must be doing at the moment. I don't know what to think about this. Should I be glad to be able to see my idols again or that I get to see my friends performing on stage and making their fans happy or should I be ashamed. I just left them. I left GD and everyone. And now I have the nerve to go see them after half an year. Maybe the reason why I left was practically YG but I feel guilty anyways. I caused too much fuss. I should have just maintained as a friend with the boys and slowly I could have started to make my career as a singer. I already got interested in it.
And now I don't know what I'd like to do. I am stuck behind the cash desk. The earlier interesting-sounding English teacher's work doesn't feel like a good option anymore and everything just seems so dull and mundane compared to kpop idol's life. I knew that I could never get a similiar chance but, still. I guess I just need some time to think what I want to do in the future...

When I'm packing, I find my suitcase from the back of my dressing room and the dress I wore at the Hong Kong concert. Exactly the one I bought purposely from Bangkok. Should I take it with me and wear it again? No. It would feel like replaying everything again from the start. And that's exactly what I don't want to happen. Even though it's impossible. Eventually I choose a short summery mesh dress with different kind of pink and white geometric patterns on it. With it I'm going to wear a pure white denim jacket, lots of jewellery and chains and, of course, high heels. I'm going to straighten my hair and put it on one side and my makeup has to look fresh and summery as well.

"Heyy! When are we going? I'm all ready already!" she sounds so excited on phone and I decide to change my mood for better too. I want Sara to enjoy this weekend and there's no reason for me to ruin it. I will try to enjoy myself too and not complain!

"It's a pity that we don't have a limo now", Sara laughs as we sit on the back of Robert's car and head to the railway station.
"Indeed", I smile. "I miss those."
"How was the one like what you used? Was it black or white?" she starts to ask me questions.
"Black. And Jamie was my chauffeur", I smirk. "And he was the best chauffeur ever. I wonder what he's doing right now."
Robert stops on the side of the road, we take our luggage and I say goodbye to my twin. In the train we discuss everything concerning our fandoms and then she wants me tell everything that happened in Hong Kong, once more. I only tell the highlights because I don't want to recall everything... I describe the friendly people, the landscape and of course the delicious dish of Chicken Beijing.

This hotel is nothing compared to the one I lived a week in last time. We check in and visit a Chinese restaurant to get something to fill our stomachs and the polite owner teaches us how to eat with the chopsticks orthodoxly. We laugh and buy a few drinks at the hotel bar. We go to sleep early enough because we decide to leave early to queue to get to the front rows at the stadion.

I stagger into the hotel room and giggle.
"Maybe a little too much tequila, I guess. Could you hand me those salted peanuts, so that I wouldn't have hangover tomorrow?" I beg and Sara throws her opened peanut bag which flies past me and hits the floor.
"Oh shieet!" I start to collect the nuts from the floor and Sara laughs at me as she's digging her makeup bag.
"I'm pretty sure that the cleaners can do that!"
"Oh riiight!" I laugh and lift my head. Then I notice that something new has appeared on my bed and it certainly was not there when we left the room last time.
"Hey! Where did this come from?" I stare in the eyes of a fluffy teddy bear that has a fine dark red bow around its neck.
"Oh, I know!" Sara exclaims. "It must be from that cute guy from the reception!"
"No way", I sneer. I don't see any message on the bed, not even under the teddy bear.
I huff. Where did it come from?! I rotate the toy in my hands and pet the silky fur.
I pay attention to the manufacturer's logo. It's a letter G. My imagination unleashes as I am still a bit tipsy. Can it be...? Nooo. It's from that reception guy. No one else could get into our room.

Notes

Helloo! Now I'll continue studying English, so that I can offer you guys better written fanfiction. haha.
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Teaser for chapter 3