Stay With Me

I felt like I weighed over five hundred pounds as I leaned against the squared pole in the terminal of the subway, resisting the urge to slide down the cool tile to sit on the floor to wait for the train. The gravity of life was too heavy to bare recently. Why did every single thing in my life when it came to relationships have to be so difficult? I had gone above and beyond to stay as far away from any kind of friendship or even acquaintance where there was even a hint of possible complications – but they seemed to find me regardless of where I was, even in Asia.

If I couldn’t make my mother happy, if I couldn’t even give proper comfort to my dying brother who encompassed the very meaning of unbiased love – was it even possible for me to give happiness to anyone, ever? Was it possible for me to actually be happy myself? When I thought back on my life the feelings of joy were few and far between. The moments where I felt weightless and my heart felt free from the chains that continually tightened their hold, I wasn’t sure I could even name them on one hand.

Austins laugh. I closed my eyes and searched my memories as I had done so many times in moments like these were I had to stand when I felt I couldn’t. It was like the bells my Mom used to hang on our front door on Christmas. Austin loved Christmas, and even though he already knew what Santa was going to bring – the smile that he had when he opened the colorful paper was always brighter than the lights on the tree.

Mom would fuss over Dad playing Santa, and even though I told her countless times I knew it was Dad she would dress him up in the suit anyway and he would always comply.

I adjusted myself on the wall, forcing myself to continue as I felt the weight start to lessen. There had to be more memories. There was eighteen years of life to plug through. Those were so long ago, there had to be something else.

The train rushed past me and I didn’t look even have the energy to look up yet, just a few more memories. Just something, anything.

That smell. Where was that coming from? The wind from the speeding cart carried it over my face and I closed my eyes searching for the recognition, and it was his that stared back at me. They still held the light from the sunshine that spilled over us from the window in a moment that was just ours and the rest of the world seemed to fade away.

I put my hand over my heart, feeling it start to pick up it’s pace with just this small sensory recognition. The feel of his body, his arms and how I seemed to belong in them when I had always believed there was no such place. Ever since that moment when I knocked him to the floor, even with my judgment clouded from the stress of Dad and an absurd amount of jet lag – I remember thinking how perfectly I fit against the curve of his chest, and since that day I seemed to find myself in that exact place numerous times.

Even though it had been annoying at points, his smile was like the sun to me. It lit up his face to shine through his eyes – and even when I had felt so cold every part of me was washed it in its warmth. He pulled me from the darkest of nightmares and reached places that thousands of dollars in therapy hadn’t ever been able to come close to. Reasoning, time frames and fear was pushing that sun away.

I was pushing him away.

I’m asking you

I could still feel his fingertips brushing over my neck and cheek. I let out a shaky breath.

To allow yourself for the first time in your life to just live it. Not just for me, but for you. It’s scary and confusing and the chances of pain are always there as they will be in every single thing you put your heart into for the rest of your life.

I pushed up off the wall and boarded the train, finding the closest seat to me and claiming it before my legs could give out. It was moments like this where if I was home I’d look at pictures of my mother and try to rack my brain to think of what she’d say. I’d give anything to just have one moment, just one single moment to ask her if this was right.

Should I really allow myself this small amount of happiness even if it meant I’d have to watch another ending? Another goodbye my heart wouldn’t want to make?

Mom, can you hear me? I'm scared. Please, just come back and tell me what to do.

“Oma!”

I looked up at the source of the overly bright sound that didn’t belong in my dark place. A young girl climbed into a womans lap, and as my heart felt like it was about to burst in my desperate plea that had no chance of being answered – I watched motherly fingers nestle into her beautiful hair. The child returned the touch with a smile, Austins smile.

Jimin.

My heart cried out for the only source of comfort it had known for so long. In that moment I knew that every part of me had already decided what it wanted even if my brain was the last to catch up. But I had left him there with the painful secret that even if he had stopped me and I never shared he was sure to find out in a matter of time. I wasn’t worth fighting for. I was too fucked up. How could the sun shine in a place that was drowning in rain? It didn’t make any sense. I felt the tears slip over my face, and I didn’t have the fight nor the will to even lift my hand wipe them away.

I felt that familiar warmness, the one that belonged to only him. Even though it didn’t make any sense, even though it couldn’t be real I succumbed to it anyway. I needed it more than I could ever say. I could feel his heartbeat, I could feel the touch of his hands and his soft breath on my hair. If I could have one dream in my life come true, it would be that this moment was real. That for the first time in so long, I wasn’t alone.

I watched as a hand pushed mine open to thread its fingers my own. It was his hand, Jimins hand.

“You’re going to disappear.” I whispered, letting my fears out to penetrate the dream that was too sweet to be reality.

It wasn’t until I heard his voice and felt his lips press against my head that the pain of loss and fear started to fade away.

“Never.”

Every hug I had held back from my brother and every desire I had for the past year to climb into my mother’s lap to beg for forgiveness, the moments where I wanted my father to put down his briefcase and stay home with me to watch a stupid movie I didn’t even care for and lastly, the moments where I wanted to give my heart to this person I hadn’t ever thought could be mine manifested in relief as I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around him.

All of the emotion that I had held in fear behind the walls he was fighting against crumbled, and I didn’t have to speak a word – somehow he knew. I needed to feel him, I needed to feel all of him, I was so completely tired of trying to stand on my own and Jimin seemed content to carry my heaviness.

I felt him slide me into his lap and I buried my face in his neck as the faceless people around us continued to stay that way. If people saw, I didn’t care – absolutely nothing mattered other than the fact that I had finally seemed to be where I belonged, in his arms.

“I’m here,” He whispered into my ear, running his hands slowly up and down my back. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

The extra weight I felt like I had carried for years was slipping off my body like hot wax down the neck of a candle. I finally lifted my head and his hand was there, brushing away the remnants of tears with the backs of his fingers.

“How did you find me?” I whispered, searching his eyes.

“Isn’t it obvious by now, Crazy? You’re kind of stuck with me.” He smiled gently up at me.

And I smiled back.

-

There it was. The impact of its beauty was more powerful than the train they rode on and Jimin was content to never get off.

The emerald pools of green were more brilliant than anything he’d ever seen and they sparkled brightly. He had craved this moment more than he had even known when he had made that quiet promise to her and himself that night he had learned about her past. Jimin had only seen it once before in the photograph of a frozen moment much like this one, but that didn’t give the real thing any justice and his breath was taken away in a slow rush past his lips.

She was smiling, really and truly smiling. The best part about it all was that it wasn’t for anyone else – it was for him. Just him.

He had already had her face in his hands, and finally – with the rest of the world gone along with whatever guard she had around her, he did what he wanted, and she let him.

Tangling his fingers in her hair he closed the space between them in one slow motion, pressing his full lips to hers. The feel of her pressing back into the kiss sent a current of smoldering fire through his chest, down to his stomach and every part of himself where she made contact. Her fingertips were as soft as butterfly wings and the trail gave him chill bumps, brushing over his neck and disappearing down his back. Jimin couldn’t contain the hitch of breath that escaped him, and he used it as an opportunity to nudge her lips apart with his own. She tasted as sweet as she smelled.

His control was teetering over the line of desire and need. It would be so blissfully easy to lose himself in this tantalizingly slow motion of his lips sliding between hers. It would only take one small motion of his tongue to allow himself to fully drink her in, but the process of each gentle rhythmic motion was painfully intoxicating – he didn’t want to rush it, and she was content to match his pace.

The disapproving sound of an elder clearing his throat broke through the haze of the moment. Regardless of the standard of respect one should have towards such persons, they only slowed, smiling against each-others mouths.

Jimin opened one eye to peer over at an old guy who met his stare over his newspaper, and tried to hold back a laugh, failing miserably. He could feel the heat radiating off Jenna’s obviously embarrassed face as she pulled away, not looking at either him or the old guy.

“I’m sorry, but hey, you were young once - right?” Jimin smirked at the man who ruffled the newspapers pages and cleared his throat in disapproval once again in reply.

“Please stand back from the doorways and exit to your left.”

The train slowed to a halt and Jimin gave Jenna’s lower back a few pats. “This is our stop.”

“What did you say to him?” Jenna stood up from his lap, covering half of her face.

Jimin laughed, “I told him that would be five hundred won.”

“You did what?!”

Jimin laughed, taking her hand and leading her off the train.

The streets of Hongdae were bustling with life and by far one of his favorite places. With tons of street performances, food and restaurants – this was a place Jimin found himself easy to get lost in. The pair made their way into the crowd and Jimin adjusted the mask back over his face.

“What’s that for? I’ve seen a lot of them.”

Jimin shrugged, running the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand. “A lot of people are health conscious – but I wear them so I’m not spotted. Sasaengs and all..”

“What’s a Sas… um.. Sas-eng?”

“Uh, theres really not one word for it in English, but basically it’s a type of fan that doesn’t really have much respect for the private life of an idol. They kind of cross the line so we can’t do normal things like this.”

Jenna nodded, immediately coming closer to Jimins side. He could feel her tense up a little in fear and after what they just shared, he definitely didn’t want her going anywhere near that road again. Jimin squeezed her hand. “Hey, it’s fine – you should worry more about learning Korean than them – cause right now it sucks, did you just hear yourself?”

He felt her playfully punched his arm and he laughed, pulling down his mask from his face and wrapping his arm around her waist instead . He’d give the no mask thing a shot and hope for the best, he didn’t want anything giving her any sense of awkwardness in the first easy moment that she’d allowed him to have with her.

“Drop it for me.”

A familiar beat pounded through the speakers of a boom box radio up ahead and a broad smile took up most of Jimins features. It took a lot to not drag her forward as they turned the corner to see a group of b-boys freestyle dancing to Big Bangs Bad Boy.

“Can you dance?”

-[CLICK THE LINK FOR MUSIC <3]-

Dance? That should probably be expected of a music executive daughter’s right? Probably – however if there was anyone that loved to point out my horrible balance abilities it was Jimin, so the fact that he was even asking felt a little funny. I would have pointed it out, but there was a light that radiated from him that I hadn’t ever seen before and all I could do was shake my head no.

“Oh come on, everyone can dance!” He took my hands, walking backwards now towards the group of dancers that could only be described as artists. The way they moved to the music was as if someone had assembled their bodies specifically to perform. I couldn’t even do a cart-wheel.

My attention was only on them for a moment, because just like always, my focus found it’s point of reference on the boy who held my hands – his shoulders moving to the music.

“Nig saranghaneun naenun, sorry I’m a bad boy. Geurae charari teenona jal gyo you’re a good girl.”

I could only make out a few parts of the lyrics, but soon I realized that even if the words were completely in English – I wouldn’t be paying them any attention.

Jimin was by far in his element. His body moved along to the flow of the tempo along with the others as if he’d arrived with them, but was far superior. They welcomed him in their circle, playing off his movements and reacting with their own.

He was careless, free and most of all – he was beautiful. This person was the polar opposite of everything I was for so long, and while I had pondered over our countless differences and all the ways my fears told me I didn’t belong even in his same airspace - I started to realize the reasoning behind my attraction. He was everything my heart wanted me to be, and I didn’t have even the slightest idea as to how to start.

“I’ll teach you!”

I blinked, looking into his brilliant eyes. “Huh?”

Jimin moved behind me, running his hands down my arms until his fingers laced into mine. I felt a slow smile spread over my face as his chin came to rest on my shoulder and he sang in a smooth tenor against my ear.

“Baby don’t leave me, I know you still love me, wae geurae soljki, na malhe nigape.”

I was suddenly moving and he pressed against me as a guide. I didn’t have to do any work at all, i just simply lean against him as his body moved mine. I was dancing. Me. In the middle of the street of people I didn’t know. I loved every single second.

He lifted our hands in the air, moving them along as would a conductor to his symphony – I couldn’t suppress a soft laugh as his hands slid back over my waist and into my front pockets to guide my hips to move with his.

“Asphillyohae my lay lay lay lay lady, my lay lay lay lay lady.”

I turned, be it from the contagiousness of his passion or my elation of the freedom of gravity that had me bound for longer than I could count and draped my arms around his neck. I did my best to move as he taught me and I probably sucked, but the way he looked at me was as if I gave him as much of the world as he had given me.

A flash of light, and then another, and another. The smile he wore faded and his grip on my back turned from gentle to one of almost steel. I tried not to stumble as he pulled me to him, ripping the white mask off from around his neck and shoving over my head. With nimble quick fingers he adjusted it over my mouth and nose then adjusted my hair around my face. “Don’t look up.”

My hand was in his and suddenly we were running, I gripped his hand and ran with him as questioning voices along with yells of what sounded like recognition sounded off like canons behind us.

“Jimin Oppa!”

“Oppa!”

“Park Jimin Shi!”

Strangers’ hands were grabbing at him, tearing at our linked hands. The muscles in my legs burned and so did my fingers as he tightened his vice like grip on me. We turned the corner, weaving in and out of faceless people. I searched ahead, trying to find wherever he was leading me. I said a silent prayer that we’d get there soon – I didn’t know how much further I could go.
I saw a taxi in my peripheral and I yanked on his hand, pointing breathlessly. “Tack..tax…”

Thank God he understood. I pushed through the pain of my screaming legs and followed Jimin as he barreled into the cab, collapsing in the backseat. He leaned over my body and pulled the door shut – spouting off a whole bunch of Korean to the driver who complied and peeled out into the open street.

The door, that would have been smart of me.

“Are you okay? Did they you hurt?” His hands were everywhere. My face, my arms, shoulders and even my legs. I wanted to tell him that I was perfectly fine – but breathing was a problem so I kind of just nodded.

He pulled me against him as I caught my breath – a little lightheaded from the rush.

“We need to build up your tolerance level.” He lifted my hand only to drop it. It was dead weight.
I laughed, finally getting my speeding heart to relax as I pulled off the mask. “So, who is Oppa?”

“Huh?”

“They were calling you Oppa.”

Was he smirking?

“When’s your birthday?”

“November tenth. But what does..”

He was definitely smirking.

“It’s my real name, I said in an interview once that only special people call me that so a lot of fan girls do. You should try it sometime.”

“Isn’t that what Greek people say when they break plates at weddings?”

“No… it’s my real name.” Suddenly he was sitting upright, his smirk getting deeper and it shone through his eyes. “Say it.”

I blinked slowly – something wasn’t adding up right, but when he smiled at me like that I found that it was hard to deny him anything. “Um… Oppa?”

Jimin threw his head back laughing and I sat there, looking up toward the driver who was staring at us through the rearview mirror then back at him. “Did I say it wrong? Are you teasing me?”

“No! No not at all.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him.

“You’re definitely lying to me about something.”

“Ask Yoongi, he never lies – he’ll tell you.”

“I don’t think he speaks a lot of English.”

“Exactly.” And with that he kissed me, short and sweet – making me forget everything we were just talking about.

-

“Do you have any food?” Jimin was standing in the Clark family kitchen, hand on the fridge door – waiting for permission while Jenna was in her room changing.

“Help yourself!”

“Don’t mind if I do…” He said to himself, pulling open the door.

Did fridges make music? Cause this one sounded like the gates of heaven opened as he stared, mouth open, at the smorgasbord that was their food supply. He let out a moan of appreciation as he started to pile whatever his hands could grab first into his arms, getting hungrier by the second.

“What exactly do you intend to make with pickles and yogurt?”

Jimin turned, shutting the door with his foot to put his all of findings on the marble counter. “I have no idea, but it’s gonna be good.” He smiled, finally looking at her.

Her faded ripped jeans hung low on her hips, just allowing the slightest hint of skin to peak out from the bottom her shirt. Her hair was up, the first time he’d seen it that way, in a ponytail. But the mass that couldn’t be tamed allowed a few wisps to fall around her face and down over her neck. Allowing his gaze to settle there for longer than he had anticipated – Jimin forgot about the food.

Hooking a finger inside the band of her jeans he pulled her forward, leaning back against the counter until she was against him. “Do you know…”

“Hmm?” She was smiling, tilting her head away from him as he placed soft kisses on the curve of her neck.

“How beautiful you are?” He whispered against her ear as his hands ran over her waist to rest on the small of her back.

“Do you know how cheesy that sounds?”

“I have cheese, too.” He lifted the pack of thinly sliced pepper-jack off the counter for a moment before letting it drop and bringing his hand to the center of her back, smiling against her skin.
The sound of her laugh was pure magic, and even though he wasn’t looking he could see the sparkle of her eyes as she did. Cupping her face in his hand, he watched the remnants of her smile pass before bringing his own smiling lips to hers.

Humor was slowly forgotten as he set the rhythm, nudging her lips apart. There wasn’t anything on that counter that would taste as good as she did, and nothing else that he could imagine satisfying the hunger he had that she created in the pit of his stomach. He allowed himself to get lost in the feel of her, every part of her against himself.

Gently and ever so carefully Jimin deepened the kiss – tracing her bottom lip just a fraction with the tip of his tongue, asking permission. With every rise and fall of his chest he felt more intoxicated, and he just couldn’t resist. Not anymore.

The soft touch of her tongue against his set a fire pulsating through his heart and it burned through his veins. He pulled her tighter as she slid her hands over his shoulders to wrap her arms loosely around his neck, allowing herself to lean flush against him - allowing him to keep going, and he didn’t want to stop.

Turning her around so her back was now against the counter Jimin slid his hands up the back of her shirt, tracing over her spine until they grazed her shoulder blades. She breathed into his mouth in a soft moan, and just by that one action every sensation was heightened by what seemed to be a million. He pushed his hips into hers, allowing the breathless moan he himself was holding to escape.

A vibration reverberating from between Jennas backside and the counter sounded off and Jimin found himself pouting against her lips as she lifted a hand from his neck to dig for the dumbest device ever created in all of time and space.

“Ignore it.” He breathed, leaving soft kisses on her swollen mouth.

“I can’t.” She whispered, bringing the phone up over his shoulder while he still planted slow wet kisses on the corner of her mouth, over her jaw and down her neck.

“Hello?” She rested a hand on his chest, giving it a few small pats. Jimin sighed as he forced himself to give her the space she needed to answer the call.

“Oh, hi Jin.”

Of course it was fucking Jin.

“Tell him I hate him.” He said against her shoulder.

“Jimin says hi.”

“Pfffftt..” He draped his arms around her waist loosely, if he didn’t – he might grab the phone and tell Jin the correct version of his greeting.

“Yeah, we’re on our way.”

‘Nooooooo’ he mouthed, his face scrunched up in a pout.

“Okay, see you soon.” She hung up, putting the phone back into her pocket.

“Do we have to?”

“Ehhhhhyeah, kinda. Your manager knows I’ll be there – so does my Dad, they have food.”

“But we have food here.” He said, motioning to his plunder behind her.

She laughed, giving him a small kiss. “Something tells me we wouldn’t be eating very much if we stayed.”

He smirked, taking her face in his hands – still not ready to let go yet and he attempted to make the kiss longer. “You may be right.”

Notes