Stay With Me

Jimin considered himself many things. The crowning jewel on the top of his list of plenty was being a master of sex appeal. Sure, he was just eighteen – but while all the other trainees were playing video games in their free time, he was up all night studying music videos of Taeyang and Rain. He refused to be outshone. Every waking moment where he wasn’t dancing or singing, he was in the gym, measuring the painstaking process of making his body as attractive as possible. Sure, he’d glanced over a drama or two in attempts to capture the magic that was making girls weak in the knees – but he never really could get past all the sap. Again, eighteen year old guy here.

The cheese of it all, the inescapable long dramatic pauses where two people would just stare at each other for what could have been hours. He was asleep in two minutes. None of it made a scrap of sense. The male lead continuously tangled in a sticky web of feelings and emotion – willing to throw away life and limb for a girl he had just met two episodes ago. Yet for the first time in his life, in what seemed to be just a matter of moments – he found himself being swept away by the sound of a pounding heartbeat from this fragile girl he held so closely.

He’d told himself the past few nights while he laid awake, thinking of her, that the need that festered inside him to protect this girl who tried to hide her struggle of holding the broken pieces of her heart together was just the side effect of his ‘all-in’ personality. If there was ever a time to admit he was wrong, it was now. As his eyes drank in the flush of pink that kissed her cheeks and he felt her tremble against his body - Jimin finally understood what millions seemed to get before he did.

There was a connection, a magnetic force that refused to allow him to be apart from her for long amounts of time. Just the thought of separation seemed painful in that moment. She was in his dreams, his thoughts, and desire spread throughout every single part of himself. He needed more, so much more.

Fanning his fingers up the back of her shirt, the warm contact of her skin drew a shaky breath from his chest to rush past his lips while he pulled her completely against himself. The pounding of his heart was puslating through him and he could feel it crash against her. In what seemed the like the most insecure moment of his life, he questioned if this girl could possibly feel even a fraction of what he did.

He pulled her hand to his chest, searching her eyes for just a moment. “Can you feel that?”
In the beginning it was to watch for her reply, but as his gaze traced over the curve of her lips he forgot that he had even asked a question. The sensation of breathing into her as he held her days before on the shower room floor was nothing like it was at this moment. This time she was breathing back into him and the taste was sweeter than he could put into words.

Increasing the pressure of his hand on her back, he leaned in slowly.

“Is everything okay in here?”

The girl in his arms just about jumped out of her skin a mile away from him, and if his heart wasn’t already racing a marathon it was now sprinting for an Olympic Gold Metal as Mr. Clarks voice cut through the air of passion like a samurai blade. If he had any super powers, Jimin was sure he would be hanging from the ceiling like Spiderman right now.

There weren’t many reasons to bow a perfect eighty degree bow recently, but it took everything inside him not to get on the floor as if Buddah himself had entered the small room.

“Ohhhh, Mista Clark.” Jimins brain rushed to catch up to the present as he forced out the thickest Korean accent his tongue could provide him with.

“What is going on?”

Was he chewing on socks? It felt like he was. “Uh… ohh… Jen-na.. pain… vedy bad.”

His feet were like blocks of cement as he stumbled next to the girl who was completely ashen by his side, lifting her damaged arm for her Father to see. He couldn’t look at his face, not yet – he was completely and utterly petrified to risk even a glance. He had to remember to apologize to his manager later as fate had seemed to put him into the elder’s extremely sweaty shoes.

“Are you okay?”

If Mr. Clark’s face was stern before, Jimin seemed to hit his Achilles heel in the fatherly concern department. He tried to swallow a sigh of relief.

Jenna’s father closed the space between the three and took his daughters arm, “When did this happen?”

“Last night, I fell on some glass but – I tripped and knocked it again. It’s fine really.”

“Uh…. I bring her… to bandage. Yes?”

Mr. Clark appraised his daughters face and Jimin found himself doing the same. How was she still standing? He wanted to pass out.

“You seem to be teaching him English well.. but maybe he can teach you proper first aid. What exactly were you trying to accomplish with a mile of medical tape Jenna?”

Was he smiling? He was. Jimin wanted to high five himself.

“It’s fine.” She pulled her sleeve back up her arm. Jimin shot her a look.

“No Jenna. Go with him, it’s nice that you’ve made a good friend.”

Yes Jenna. Go with him, Jimin repeated in his brain – a bit more than miffed at her refusal. He put a hand on her shoulder, reigning himself in from giving a third bow as he pushed her toward the door.

“Yes. Good friend. Anyong!”

As soon as they were around the corner and out of view from the room, Jimin took her hand and lead her into the practice room. No one would be there for a while and there was a medicine kit there too. He wouldn’t lie to her father, not anymore.

“Jimin…”

“Don’t.” Was all he said, pulling open a white cabinet door and taking down the rarely used first aid kit.

He sat on the light wooden floor, not looking up at her as he opened the box and started to dig around through the medical supplies. Was she really not going to sit down? He started to open an alcohol patch as he waited.

She wasn’t moving. But she wasn’t leaving either.

“Jimi..”

“No more lies, right?” He cut her off, still not looking up at her. “We told your Dad I’d take care of your arm. Sit.”

He only allowed himself to look at her shoes and refused to express his sigh of relief as they finally moved and she sat Indian style in front of him. Hand curled into a fist, she stretched her arm out toward him.

Just look at her, why are you being a pussy?

Regardless of his inward chastising, he couldn’t. He knew what her eyes would say, and he knew that even though he had reminded her of their earlier agreement of no more lies – there would be one of epic proportions screaming in her stare.

Yes. Many times Jimin could identify that he was a little shit when it came to an exaggerated ego. Even so, there were many things about his confidence level he’d never share – not with anyone. He’d never allow himself to be consumed by those dark moments, the ones where a whisper of his inability to be good enough for anything would try to block his hindsight. Being in Bangtan, being the center of attention in a crowd of people who truly loved him was constantly ridiculed by the general populace. Strangers measured the worth of who he was, where he came from and what he looked in comparison to those around him on a daily basis. Yet in all of those instances of pain he’d never give in to, nothing could compare to what it would do to him if there was even hint that the moment they had just shared was a mistake in those emerald eyes.

Through the regretfully unanswered letters to her mother he had read on her phone and the detachment in the air between her and her only living parent – Jimin knew she operated with the intention to live her life alone in the fortress she’d built around herself. He couldn’t accept that. He wouldn’t. One of them had to overcome the fear of rejection, and if anyone in all the world was good at that – it was him. He did it more often than he would ever admit.

Ever so carefully he removed the bloody bandage and tossed it aside. His fingers were careful not to brush too long over the abused skin of her arm, even though just the look of it caused his heart to sting in pain.

“This isn’t going to be pleasant.”

She didn’t speak.

Gently, he slid the wet alcohol cloth over the wound. She didn’t flinch or cry out in pain, but the way her fingers twitched in her curled up fist didn’t escape his notice. It was a jerk reaction; one that quiet simply couldn’t be helped. Pursing his lips, he leaned in - blowing cool air on her wound.

She didn’t pull away, and even though he had earlier told himself to put away any hint of insecurity – he felt thankful.

He took his time with the bandage in what may look like an earnest attempt to make sure it was straight and secure, but it wasn’t just that. She was still there with him, and every moment she sat there allowing his fingertips to slip over her soft skin he used as building block to assure himself that this wouldn’t be the last time he’d be close to her. Cradling her arm in his hand he ran his thumbs over the tape of the bandages edges.

“Good as new.” He spoke softly, not wanting this to end just yet.

But it had, and she retracted her arm.

“Thank you.”

The clock ticked quietly on the wall.

“What just happened can’t..”

“Nope.” Jimin quickly put his hand over her mouth, cutting her off mid-sentence. Finally, he looked into her wide eyes.

“I know exactly what you’re going to say, Crazy. And yeah, it’s weird, and doesn’t make sense – I get that, really. But what just happened back there wasn’t a mistake – you know that, and so do I.”

“Jmmm, whmmm ar…” Her fingers pulled at his.

“Your heart was racing in that room Jenna. I felt it, I felt every single beat.”

Her chest was rising and falling rapidly as she tried to lean back out of his hold, but the smoothness of the wood underneath them allowed him to slide closer. He released his hold on her mouth, but kept the pad of his thumb over her lips – using his other four fingers to cup her face.

“I’m not asking for marriage, so chill out okay? And maybe I don’t deserve anything from you because.. well because I know that I’ve annoyed the shit out of you since you busted your way out of that locker and into my life. But I’m going asking you anyway.”

Her eyes searched his and he sighed, his voice lowering as he tried his best to express with words what his heart was begging for her to understand. This silly girl who fought to keep up a guard he wanted to shatter into a thousand pieces.

“I’m asking you,” He pushed her hair off her neck, cradling it with his other hand, “to allow yourself for the first time in your life to just live it. Not just for me, but for you. It’s scary and confusing and the chances of pain are always there as they will be in every single thing you put your heart into for the rest of your life. But if you say you don’t want me. If you say that you don’t feel what I feel in every single fiber of my body…” He let his finger thumb slide off her lips to brush carefully over her cheek.

“Then I may have been the liar in the beginning – but that would to make you an even bigger one.”

“Jim…inn… Uh…..”

The door swung open and the voice paused mid-way through the call of Jimins name. Hoseok stood there, more than a little baffled.

“Oh, um. Sorry. Uh.” He was about to walk back out the door, but his confusion caused him to do a double step.

If it had been anyone else Jimin would have had to refrain himself to lunging toward the intruder. But it was Hoseok who was kinder than a whole bunch of grandmas put together. Jimin tried not to swear as he dropped his hands – Jenna immediately stumbling to her feet.

“No.. no it’s fine. We were just about to leave.”

No we weren’t.

Jimin stood, brushing off his pants before hooking a finger in Jenna’s back belt loop. This conversation so wasn’t over.

“Oh, um. Jimin. We were all waiting, are you still coming for pizza?”

“Not hungry.”

“Oh, okay. Well.. Jenna, are you sure you didn’t..” He looked at Jimin as if asking permission to speak.

“Pizza?”

“Fish pizza. Tons and tons of fishy pizza.” Jimin gave the fabric of her jeans a small tug.

“Yah, did you find Jimin?”

Jimin heard Jins voice before his band mate walked in, accompanied by everyone else.
Just. Fucking. Perfect.

“Oh, hello Jenna.” He bowed, smiling at her.

Jimins face did very little to hide the displeasure of Jins presence.

Jenna bowed and Jimin eased his grip on her jeans. He didn’t want to give the girl a wedgie – but he wasn’t about to let her go either.

“Are you trying to pants her?” Taehyung asked as he stepped up beside her, playfully tugging at his arm. Jimin wacked the two month younger boys hand with his free one.

“Are you coming or not Jimin?” Namjoon wasn’t in a good mood. Hunger did that to him.

“No.”

“Jenna?”

No Jin, go away.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

She took a step forward and Jimin knew at that point he didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t force her, regardless of how badly he wanted to reach around her waist and keep her by his side.
“See you tonight, Hyung.” Jungkook said, waiving as he followed the rest of the guys out into the hallway.

Jimin didn’t acknowledge him, he refused to take his eyes off her as she walked towards the door – the last behind the group of his members.

Please, please turn around.

She was by the door frame now and finally, in what he wasn’t sure would actually happen, she paused and turned her body halfway toward him – not meeting his stare.

“Don’t waste your time on me, Jimin.” She said quietly, her eyes still downcast.

“Jenna.” He took a step.

“I’m not worth it. I promise.” With that, she walked the rest of the way out of his line of sight.
Shock froze him in his steps, and he was too late – he knew that, but he spoke anyway.

“You are. I promise, you are.

-

Your heart was racing in that room Jenna. I felt it, I felt every single beat.

Focus, Jenna. Focus.

“Are you okay? You look kind of…” Jin gently bumped my shoulder with his from the seat beside mine.

I was pretty sure I looked like I was just thrown in an industrial sized dryer on the heavy duty cycle and I found myself extremely thankful that he didn’t finish his sentence. I nodded, resisting the urge to fidget and forcing the corners of my mouth up in a slight smile.

“Are you sick? You’re not going to get sick on the pizza right?” Taehyung pinched the edge of my pizza plate and slowly pulled it away from me.

“No.. no I’m not. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry.” Jin pulled my plate back towards me, engaging in a brief tug of war.

I’m asking you to allow yourself for the first time in your life to just live it. Not just for me, but for you.

Every inch of myself was covered in him. His touch, his scent, all of him.

“Here.” Jin picked up the pizza, folding it in half and bringing the end up to my mouth.

I was ripped from my revere’. Is he actually trying to feed me?

“In Korea, it’s normal to offer each other food like this.” Namjoon smiled warmly.

“See? AHHHHHHH!” Hoseok lifted Yoongis pizza, his own mouth wide open as and brought it to the quietest of the members face. Yoongi gave a small smirk before taking a big bite.

Obviously I sucked at playing it cool – my face was giving away everything, wasn’t it?

Jin motioned with the pizza again, “Open.” the smile evident in his smooth voice.

I looked at him and then to the mass of grease and cheese. My stomach lurched in a sea of emotion that all of myself was still submerged in, but I opened my mouth anyway. He wasted no time in bringing the edge of it past my lips and waited until I forced myself to take a bite to put the pizza back on my plate.

Everyone was looking at me.

I chewed, not sure if I was sure if there was some other custom I was missing. “Mmm?”

“Mmmmm!” Everyone replied, laughing.

I felt like a toddler taking its first step, and maybe, just maybe I laughed a little.

But if you say you don’t want me.. If you say that you don’t feel what I feel in every single fiber of my body. .Then I may have been the liar in the beginning – but that would to make you an even bigger one.

Why did I still feel his touch on my lips? I swallowed, laughter completely gone.

“Jenna?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked, what movie are we watching tonight?” Hoseok smiled at me, a little apologetically.

“Oh, um. I hadn’t decided yet. I was going to pick one up at the store…” Until Jimin and I..

“OHHH I wanna go shopping! Let’s all go together!” Taehyung was quickly shoving the rest of his third slice of pizza in his mouth, seeming ready to go that instant.

I tried so hard to pull my thoughts to the present, to focus on the smiling people around me who must have thought I was so completely disrespectful and not the face of the person that my disobedient flesh wanted to run back to.

There were so many reasons. So many endless reasons as to why I shouldn’t even think about allowing myself to give in to everything that was Jimin. There was Eric, my father, my limited time in South Korea, and fear. He was the only one ever to infiltrate the walls I had built around myself, being able to see through me in ways that even my Father couldn’t and in just a few months’ time I would be gone.

Anything we could hope to become would disappear at a moment’s notice. I couldn’t stand the idea of gaining something so utterly amazing when I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to lose it. Telling him that with my own mouth would be exposing the barest part of myself and that – just that, was the scariest feeling I’d had in a while.

It all made so much sense to walk away, but why is it that every single excuse I had disappeared when I was with him? Why with just one look from him did everything suddenly not matter when it so obviously did.

“Is it okay that we go with you?” The youngest asked, the one that seemed to be nervous I was going to bite him at any moment.

Why were they even still here? I’d have probably left myself sitting here alone a long time ago. I felt like the worst, most horrible person – not just for them, but for the person I left standing alone, watching me walk away.

A clean break, just like with Eric. It was for the best in any light of the situation. Only there was nothing clean about our circumstances. If I told my dad I couldn’t tutor the group he’d want to know why. What excuse could I give him that wouldn’t lead to questions I couldn’t answer?

“Jenna?”

“I’m sorry, Jin. maybe I am a little under the weather.” Jimin was right, I was a liar.

I felt a cool palm on my forehead. “You do feel a little warm.”

He certainly was touchy.

“Awwwwww, does that mean no movie?” Taehyung pouted.

“Um, no we still can, I just think I should head home and rest a little. But, I’ll bring a movie from home.”

“That’s okay. We need to clean up a little anyway before you come over.” Namjoon said, picking up his and some other empty plates around his own.

“Let me take you home.” Jin was standing, his hand on my shoulder.

Really touchy.

The fact was though, that I had no idea how to get home or even where we were. The entire walk to the pizza place was lost in a fog of thoughts of Jimin and the time I spent in his arms melting against him.

“You really don’t look like you’re up for the movie, you’re getting pinker.”

I stood immediately, collecting my barely touched food and napkins. “I’m fine. If you could bring me to the subway I can find my way from there.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded.

“I’ll meet you guys back at the dorm.” Jin said, pushing in his chair in by my side.

-

Jimin adjusted the strap of his face mask over his ear as he made his way down the busy street of Yeoksam-dong, trying to steady his myriad of thoughts.

His instincts were to chase after her right away, to grab her hand and keep her there until she admitted to him what he had already come to know. There was something between them and regardless of the fact that it seemed crazy, it was real – more real than any other feeling he’d ever experienced. How could she think is it was possible for him walk away from that?

He didn’t want to suffocate her. If he had lost what she had, he wasn’t sure how willing he’d be to open up about his feelings right off the bat either. It was a battle between the overwhelming need he had to be with her and the sensible way to handle things. It was all so new to him.

Even though the smart thing was probably to give her some space, his need for her was all encompassing. He had to see that she was ok, at least that was what he told himself. He stepped off to the side of the sidewalk out of the way of the crowd, pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts on his KakoId.

Out of all of the members of Bangtan, there was only one he was sure wouldn’t blow his cover – and it was the one who only spoke when spoken to with as little reply as possible. He clicked Yoongis icon and thumbed a quick message.

Don’t tell anyone I asked, but where are you?

It didn’t take long; and without any questioning involved he got a simple answer.

Brick Oven New York Pizza.

Jimin smiled behind the thin paper of his mask. He really underappreciated his relationship with Yoongi. He’d have to thank him later for being his sometimes boring, uninterested in anything other than music producing, self later. There needed to be more people like him in the world.

It was just down the street. If he could just see her, even for a second.

Jimin paused mid thought as he watched the bleached blond head of his leader bobbing towards his direction.

Shit.

His feet took quickly to the pavement beneath him as he bolted in the other direction, dodging the passing pedestrians in his way and pushing through others trying to find a safe space to hide. Finally finding a corner to an alley way he pressed his back against the wall, waiting silently.

Namjoon, Yoongi, Taehyung, Jungkook and Hoseok made their way through the crowd. He checked them off one by one, eyes searching for the one person he was waiting for, and one he wasn’t really looking forward to seeing at all.

They still didn’t come and the guys were still walking as if they had no intention on waiting for them. Why weren’t they with the others?

Jimin peered around the corner, scanning over the mass of people.

It was easy to see the long black hair flowing in the distance and for a sweet moment Jimin realized he could probably spot her in a crowd of millions, but there were two problems in this small stakeout scenario. Number one, she was walking in the opposite direction of the rest of his members. Number two, she was alone with Jin.

What the hell was wrong with Jin, anyway? In the time that he’d known the oldest member of their group, Jin was one of the kindest and most easy going of them all besides Hoseok. But that was all without the presence of a girl, a girl that apparently the guy was attracted to. Just the thought felt like nails screeching down a chalk board, but it was his members close proximity to Jenna that made Jimin forget the importance of remaining unseen. He made his way back into the crowd – trying to close in the space between them.

Where the hell were they going? The two started down the steps to the entrance of the subway and Jimin forced himself to wait a few beats before going after them.

The pair stopped in front of the large map that outlined all destinations of trains. Jin raised a hand and dragged his fingertip over the red line, coming to a stop at the exit Jimin recognized was closest to her house. Breath he didn’t realize he was holding messily escaped his lips, causing them to make a reverberating sound as they flapped together. He’s taking her home, and she’s letting him.

Jin smiled a smiled that he usually reserved for the video camera in their music videos or fan signings and Jimin allowed himself to gag audibly. God, he needed to see her face. Was she smiling back? Did she look like she just got punched in the gut? What?

Her small frame shifted weight from one leg to the other and he watched as her head ducked in a bow. She wasn’t taking Jin with her. He didn’t realize he was slapping the wall behind him in thunderous approval until a woman walked past him, looking at him questioningly. He stopped immediately, waiting.

Both boys watched as she walked past the gate and disappeared.

“Yah….Are you gonna stand there and watch her all day or what?” Yeah it was hypocrisy in its finest, but Jimin didn’t care.

After what seemed like forever, Jin finally made his way back toward the stairs - sporting what Jimin could only describe as a greasy grin. Even though it pissed him off, he was happy that the idiot was wrapped up in other thoughts and didn’t notice his stare of death that he couldn’t reign back if you paid him a million won.

He had no idea what time it was and further more when the train would arrive, he just knew that he had to get there before she boarded, and quickly. He rushed through the gate, following the steps he had seen her take.

If he had gone any faster he would have collided with her. Jimin stopped short and took a few steps back, moving around to lean against the other side of the squared brick pole she was leaning on – catching his breath.

He couldn’t risk looking at her, she would obviously see him – but even though his eyes couldn’t have the look they wanted to take his body unwound it’s from its tensed state slowly.
She was right there beside him, even though she didn’t realize it.

The sounds of the train echoed off the walls of the enclosed space and Jimin searched for her reflection in the dark tint of the windows as the cart sped by. Her face was downcast and he wanted nothing more to just walk around the corner to wrap his arm around her shoulders that slumped in a sign of defeat.

This wasn’t what he wanted. Not one bit.

As the doors slid open to allow them entrance, Jimin walked around the back of the pole and waited until she entered before trying to camouflage himself in the small crowd of people. If she saw him, she didn’t show it.

“Oma!” A little girl climbed onto her mother’s lap in the seat right in front of Jenna as he sat in the row behind her.

Jimin watched as for a moment as the mother played gently with her daughters hair as she bounced around in her lap. He hadn’t seen his family for almost two years, and the small display of affection echoed a sense of longing in his own heart. How much more would that longing resonate in the heart of the motherless girl who sat in front of him?

Gripping his seat, Jimin slid his bottom to the edge of the chair and reclined – watching the back of her head and wishing he had telekinesis.

“You are not alone. Like it or not, I won’t let you go.” He whispered in his native tongue that he was sure she wouldn’t hear over the sounds of the train or even understand if she could.

Even though it felt like they had traveled all the way around the world and back again, they had only gone four stops. Her stop.

“Please stand back from the doorways and exit to your left.”

Jimin readied himself to stand and follow her, but she wasn’t moving.

He paused, waiting, but she still didn’t rise from her seat. Did she fall asleep?

“Oma…”

Jimin looked at the little girl as she peaked over her mother’s shoulder, her chubby finger outstretched to point at Jenna.

“Why is that girl crying?”

There was absolutely nothing he could do. He didn’t even want to try anymore. Jimin stood and pulled his mask down to reveal his face, his heart and body reacting before he had even made up his mind. He slid into the empty seat beside her, looking over her face that he already knew by heart.

Her sight seemed lost in a slow stream of tears that slid down her cheeks, not acknowledging him or the family in front of her anymore. Jimin reached his arm around her shoulders, sliding her body to lean against him. She didn’t act startled or push him away, she just allowed herself to lean into his embrace, and Jimins heart knew in that moment she had probably knew he was there all along. Her heart could sense his – just as his could sense hers.

He pushed her closed hand open with his carefully, interlacing their fingers.

“You’re going to disappear.” She whispered the same fear she had in his dream nights before.

Even so, she didn’t let go of his hand, in fact Jimin watched as her fingers tightened their grip on his.

That action was the only answer he needed.

Lifting his other hand from her shoulder he ran his palm over her hair, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her eye.

“Never."

Notes