Stay With Me

“Dad, I’m going to head to bed.” I said, leaning against the doorway to what was steadily becoming his home office.

I watched as he took his glasses off, reclining in his chair to stretch his arms over his head. “Ok,” He said in a yawn. “How did tonight go?”

“It went fine. Speaking of bed, you should think about heading there too.”

Even though he nodded in a pacifying agreement, he put his glasses back on and continued to look over paperwork. “Soon.”

I stood there, watching him for a brief moment. If my mother, the woman who married him, couldn’t get the man to ease up on his working habits, how could I? We both disliked confrontation to such a degree that we both would avoid it at all costs – but there was a part of me, the little girl who lost everything, that wanted to grab him and shake him, to tell him that I didn’t want to lose him too. I hesitated. “Dad..”

“Hmm.”

“I um… I like the new house.”

Wimp.

His brows raised but he still didn’t look at me.

“Everything okay, Jenn?”

“Yeah.. just. Goodnight.” I turned and made my way down the hallway, trying to settle my stomach as it seemed to do the tango.

I couldn’t do it. It would open a pandoras box that neither of us was equipped to handle. What would any conversation about worry really bring to fruition? Nothing. Conversations like those would inevitably bring up the same endless fights, just like the ones between him and Mom. Those didn’t exactly end well, did they?

I wasn’t as eloquent the way Mom was with words and sometimes I swore that regardless of the fact I had her face and genetic make-up there was nothing else I shared with her. What was wrong with me? Why is it that anytime anything having to do with feelings came up in conversation I shut down? It was like trying to swallow past a rock that was implanted into my throat that had no hope of passing. The back of my eyelids burned as I made my way down the hallway, steading my breath.

Just calm down. You can’t get upset like this before you try to sleep.

I walked into my room, my brain not really processing the here and now while I went to flick on my light. My down spiral of thoughts were interrupted immediately when I realized my hand brushed against the switch plate a little too easy, and in fact – the light was already on. I stood at the doorway, scanning the room.

It looked like a tornado had swept across my bed, the comforter bunched and spilling down the side my mattress. I picked up one of my pillows from the floor, immediately spotting the remainder of them stuffed between the wall and the beds frame. “Jams, either someone gave you steroids or…”

Jams was three pounds soaking wet, it couldn’t be him. The wheels slowly started turning when the image of another dog who was in some serious need of training flashed through my minds eye. “What the hell is that guys deal?”

Seriously, enough was enough. I groaned as I straightening out comforter with a little too much force. What the hell was he doing in here? An object passing quickly in my peripheral vision as I tugged on my sheets almost caught my attention, but it was the sound of something shattering that caused me to whip my head around fast toward the movement completely.
I froze, my heart thumping wildly in my chest.

The frame was face down surrounded by shards of sparkling glass. “No..”

I carefully stepped around the broken fragments, kneeling down as I picked up the frame that held one of the few pictures of my mother and I that I cherished most. I carefully brushed the dust of glass away from the glossy picture and felt my heartbeat start to slow when I found there were no marks on the paper from the impact of the fall.

A brush of fur swept across my exposed leg and my heart didn’t just pick up again, it rocketed into hyper drive. “JAMS, CAREFUL!”

I tried to be quick and awkwardly swept Jams into my arm, however my equilibrium wasn’t prepared for flexibility as per usual and I attempted to shield myself from the fall while holding both my precious memory and my dog, falling backwards onto my forearm. Searing pain cut through my flesh and I tried to bite back a hiss.

I lifted the startled dog with the best of my ability and placed him on my bed before steadying myself, standing to take inventory of broken skin. Blood streamed slowly down to my elbow, slipping over the curve of my arm and onto the freshly stained carpet. I blew the hair out of my face. “Perfect.”

Arm or glass? I looked at both and then at Jams who still seemed a bit skittish. Better take care of the glass, I couldn’t risk him jumping down. I pulled my trashcan over toward the debris, counting all the ways that I wanted to kill Jimin with each click of glass meeting the bottom of the basket. “You were brought to this earth just to piss me off, I swear..”

As soon as I had the floor cleaned I made my way to the bathroom, blowing on my stinging skin the whole way. In a sense, it was a distraction from my earlier thoughts – which I guess could be a good thing. As soon as the cool water spilled over my arm the sting of the fresh wound quickly silenced that thought of optimism almost immediately.

I was tired. So extremely tired of thinking, of stress, of everything. I watched as the water continued to run down my arm and fought back the haze of sleep that wanted so badly to claim my consciousness. At least I was tired which gave the opportunity for a full rest, but it was still a little unnerving. Exhaustion meant there was no way to wake up from the dreams. My dreams were always the same. Groundhog day playing over and over with no hope of changing no matter how many prescriptions I received from a therapist I couldn’t ever share myself with.
I opened the medicine cabinet and awkwardly tried to apply a bandage with my left hand, a few of the bottles staring back at me. I hated taking them because they never worked, they just numbed my senses to make it harder to wake. Besides, taking any kind of pills was never easy. Not after that night.

I shut the medicine cabinet, staring at my reflection for a moment which confirmed that my face looked as tired as I felt before turning off the light and heading to my room.

The cool sheets were a quiet relief on my arm as I slid under the blankets, staring off at the ceiling that was crested in small shadows cast from the nightlight by my vanity. Jams was neatly tucked in his usual spot beside my leg and I closed my eyes while I concentrated on his breathing.

One one-thousand.

Two one-thousand.

Three…

-

“Jenna?”

No.

“Jenna, I’m going to take a bath.”

My old bedroom slowly came into focus out of the dark as I stared at my ipod laying in a messy jumble of earbud strings on the edge of the mattress. I could hear the sounds coming softly from their small speakers as I immediately sat up, stepping away from the bed. Regardless of the fact that I had moved, I saw my shadow self-there still, just as always, flipping through the same magazine that I hadn’t cared about even in that moment.

“Please, you have to get up this time.” I knelt beside myself, shaking the bed frame. I had tried in many of my dreams before to touch my year younger self, to shake her and tell her to pay attention - but my hands would always slip through the illusion of my past that would probably continue to haunt me for the rest of my existence.

“Okay.”

“No… no not okay!” I went toward the door, trying to shake it open. “Mom! Mom please open the door!” I pounded on the wood, but it made no sound.

“There’s some pasta on the stove, I made it fresh.”

Sobs racked my trembling body as I slid down the door, “Please.. Please you fucking fool! Get up off the bed!” I screamed at myself, my fingers gripping the thread of carpet below me as I angrily watched her flipping mindlessly through page with no words or pictures now.

“You couldn’t have known, Jenna.”

What? I wiped at my face, trying to see past the blur of tears, trying to breathe. “Did.. did you just speak to me?”

No, that wasn’t my voice. I stood and ran over to the bed, begging for my fingers to find purchase on my own shoulder. There was none. “JENNA PLEASE! PLEASE GET UP!”

“I’m not hungry.”

“SHE’S GOING TO KILL HERSELF AND YOU’RE GOING TO LET HER. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT ! JUST GET UP!”

Arms. Arms that weren’t supposed to be here wrapped around my waist and pulled me from the bed. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, trying to breathe past the sobs in the chest of a stranger.

“Listen.” Warm breath slipped past my ear and I clung to the forearms of a man I couldn’t see, biting my bottom lip hard to stop it from shaking.

“I love you, Jenna.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off my other face as she looked up toward the door, hesitating.

“Me too.”

“I love you, Mom.” I whispered though shaken sobbing breaths.

“She knew that, you know?” I felt a hand slide through my hair and down my back, gently massaging the muscles there.

“You’re not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be alone.”

“You were never supposed to be alone.”

I watched the clock on the nightstand tick by slowly at first, and then, just as every dream before, it picked up speed. “I’m always alone.”

“I won’t let you be alone anymore.” I felt his lips press against my head.

I clutched onto the strangers shirt, watching my shadow self fast-forward through time until the clock struck nine.

“Hey Mom? Is Dad coming home tonight?”

“She’s not going to answer you.” I spat toward myself.

“Jenna, you can’t keep doing this.”

I tried to look up towards his face, but he kept me pressed tightly against him. My momentary curiosity was hushed as I watched myself finally get off the bed.

“I have to change it. I have to.”

“It’s not your fault.”

I pulled at his arms, trying to break free. “It is my fault.”

“It’s not. She made a choice, and it was the wrong one.” The warmth of his palms spread over my arms as his fingers laced into my own.

“I made her make that choice.”

“Do you know how dumb that sounds? No one can make anyone make a choice.”

Only one person in all the world would ever call me dumb at a moment like this.

“Jimin?”

Finally I was able to look at him. The orbs of amber flecked with honey in his eyes were warm with compassion as he looked down at me, taking my face in his hands. “I’m here.”

“Why?”

“Because, if you couldn’t tell, you’re kind of stuck with me.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I told you, I’m not going to let you be alone anymore.”

Screams. Blood curdling screams sounded off down the hallway. My screams.

“MOM!? MOM WAKE UP. MOM!”

I peeled his hands from my face as I stood, slowly walking down the hall toward my frantic voice.

“MOM BREATHE. PLEASE MOM BREATHE.”

I was just about to turn the corner into the bathroom to see the scene unfold as I had countless nights before, but there were his hand again – pulling me back in the dark hallway of my home in America that he’d never been to.

With one arm around my waist to hold me against him, he used his other hand to press against my ear and guide my head against his chest – using it to block out the sounds. I brought my fingers to my lips as I sobbed against him, my body a trembling mess in his strong hold.

“I’m here.” He whispered against my hair.

“You’re going to disappear.”

He shook his head, leaning down to kiss the corner of my eye. “I won’t.”
-

Hey, Crazy. Are you teaching us today or what?

Jimin looked down at his still unanswered text message with a scowl as he sat in the locker room, the rest of the guys were getting changed after they had just finished up the last few practices before the shooting of the music video tomorrow.

“Why so serious-uh?” Taehyung plopped down next to Jimin, resting his arm on his shoulder and peering down at the screen that held the shorter of the twos attention.

Jimin quickly shoved the phone into his pocket and scratched at the back of his neck. “It’s nothing, what are we eating?”

“Mmm, how about Pizza?” Yoongi offered.

“Should we ask Jenna if she wants to join us? You have her number, right Jimin?” Jin sat down on the bench across from him, tying the laces of his shoes and looking up at him under the tufts of brown hair that fell over his forehead.

Jimin scrunched his lips together and tapped at the phone beneath the fabric of his jeans.

“Nope.”

“Oh, that sucks. Cause I do.”

Excuse me? His brows slowly lifted on his forehead as Taehyung fluttered over to Jins side like a butterfly. “OOooo can I have it too?”

Jin laughed a little as he pushed the nuisance away. “Ask her for it yourself.”

Jimin prided himself on many things. His looks, his charm and his overall ability to climb his way up whatever bias list his A.R.M.Ys were hanging on their bedroom walls that week – but out of all of his capabilities and qualities of awesome, there was one thing he lacked. Patience.
Digging his phone out of his pocket he thrust his finger over the lock screen and pulled up the text message he had sent forty-three minutes ago.

Did you forget how to use your phone or did you suddenly lose all of your fingers?

Jimin watched as Jin picked up his own phone, bringing it to his ear all the while continuing to push away Taehyungs annoying little face. Both of their faces were annoying.

She won’t answer. She can’t answer.

“Hi, Jenna. This is Jin.”

You have got to be kidding me.

“Are you busy? The guys and I were wondering if you wanted to have some lunch with us.”

She’s busy. She’s solving world hunger and making a huge speech the UN regarding world peace – that’s the only excusable reason to not answer my texts.

"Oh, you’re here? Where are you, we’ll come meet you.”

Not acceptable.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind helping..”

Of course you don’t, Casanova. If she has to pee later, did you want to help her with that too?
“Oh, okay. Well please be sure to eat something and we will see you tonight?” The smile that spread across his face made Jimins stomach feel like it was oozing out of his bellybutton.
“See you then.”

“Toniiiiiiiight, what’s happening toniiiiiight?” Taehyung was quick to ask.

Jimin wanted to ask himself, but he was too miffed to let on that he cared. However, after sifting through the disgustingly annoying conversation he did pick up one beneficial tidbit. She was here.

“She’s going to get some books to help us study so she’s trying out the company library and a few other places. But she thought we could watch an American movie tonight and start off easy.”

“A movie? What movie?” Namjoon looked up from his own phone, probably trolling twitter.
Jimin didn’t wait around to hear about tonight’s feature presentation. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Taking a stroll to the library Jimin?”

No Jin, I’m about to take a stroll all over your face. “Nah, I gotta use the bathroom. Wanna help?”

Jins face scrunched up a little. “I’m sure you can handle it.”

Jimin waved over his shoulder as he exited, turning and heading into the exact opposite direction of the bathroom.

-

Wasn’t the majority of Koreans on the short side? I thought I read that somewhere. If it’s true, why did they insist on keeping everything up so high? I reached on my tippy toes to try to clasp my fingers around one of the few books that had the word English scrawled on the side.
I almost had it, just a little bit more. I moved closer to the shelf and stepped on the small ledge, stretching my body as best as I could. Suddenly, I felt a warm pressure against my back and my bruised arm from last night’s series of unfortunate events did the screaming for me as a hand clasped around my forearm.

“Looks like they’re all still there.”

I will not fall. I will not fall. I tried to tell myself past the pain that shot down my arm as my already impaired balance teetered at the unexpected presence. My toes curled around the edge of the shelf as I fought against gravity, but as usual in my case, gravity wasn’t about to let me win. The majority of my weight fell back against his hard chest and the air in my own passed quickly through my lips in a gasp.

His arm was around my waist to steady me instantly, as it had on multiple occasions in the short amount of time that I met him. Even in my dreams.

I wanted to chalk up the flush of heat that spread over my cheeks to the pain, and rightfully so as it was pretty bad – but I wasn’t sure that I was ready to see his face, not after everything. Not after..

“Which I guess is surprising seeing as you can’t even stand without help.”

Embarrassment gone.

I turned to face him, expecting what any normal person would do in a situation such as this – that he’d back away to give a courteous amount of space between us. However, I seem to be the epitome of stupidity when it came to Jimin, there wasn’t so much as a courteous bone in his body.

My arm was still in his hand until he slid it up past my wrist to cover my fingers with the span of his own. I watched as he made them wiggle along with his. “Yup. All still perfectly fine. So why aren’t you answering my texts?”

My dreams were always vivid, especially of that night. Every aspect of it was as if I was living it over and over again. The smells of the room right down to its temperature was forever embedded in my mind. It was one out of the two worst nights of my life – so it was to be expected. But how did he get there? How is it that he was just as vivid? The feel of his hand on the small of my back to the rhythmic motion of his breathing, even to the smell that lingered around him that could only be described as his. How did that get there?

I looked in his eyes, trying to force myself to forget it all – at least for now. “I have a better question, what were you doing in my room last night?”

The smirk on his face that was full of tease shifted suddenly to one abashed in humor. His eyes turned into half-moons as he released my arm and rubbed the back of neck. “Ah… I got lost?”

“Funny.”

I tried to walk away. His arm wasn’t letting me go though, and I let out a small huff at the impact as he pulled me to him again.

“No seriously, why aren’t you answering my texts?”

My arm hit the bookshelf behind me and this time, I couldn’t suppress the hiss as I held it up to my chest. “Jesus, Jimin!”

“I thought we discussed this, I’m not actually Jesus.” The smile that he wore seemed to fade instantly as he took my hand and pulled up my sleeve. I tried to pull away, but the guy obviously ate his Wheaties and I felt like a two year old.

Fresh blood penetrated my half-hazard bandage job and I closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself for whatever questions he was going to ask. There was bound to be a million.
“What happened?” The tone of his voice was quiet and laced with an earnest concern as his cool fingertips delicately slid over the angry skin. I opened my eyes to look at him, already biting my bottom lip to hold back the slew of words I wanted to serve him on a silver platter.

At least, I had wanted to.

His skin was illuminated in the soft streams of the setting sun that spilled through the windows of the small room. I didn’t have to touch it to know it was soft, but I was close enough that even the smallest of movements would allow me to. Though I couldn’t see the look in his eyes completely past his thick lashes, the furrow of his brow hinted toward a worried stare along with the corners of his mouth that weren’t in their normal upright position. His lips were parted in concentration and the smell of his breath was sweet, intoxicating even.

The pressure of my upper teeth eased to allow my lower lip freedom; I was supposed to speak right?

Boom boom, boom boom.

Finally he meet my eyes.

“Jenna?”

Boom boom, boom boom.

The iris’ themselves seemed to be a balance of gold and lighter-brown rays in the sun. The stare of them seemed to penetrate right into my chest and permeate through my body. He broke the stare for just a brief moment and sent it’s burning trail down to what I swear was my lips. Was he looking at my lips? Why was I looking back at his?

Boom boom, boom boom.

“Can you feel that?”

His whispered breath clouded all things sensible in that moment as it swept across my mouth. A smoldering fire spread through my stomach up every single cleft of my spine, kindled by the touch of his fingers spanning over the skin of my lower back while he pulled me even closer. My hand was once again in his which he continued to hold as he placed my palm on his chest. It shouldn't be possible, the fact that the beat of his heart drummed in perfect unison with my own. I felt it not in just my palm, but with every inch of myself that was now flush against him.

“Is everything okay in here?”

Notes

Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. I hope you'll look forward to the next chapter :)