Cherry Blossom Winter~ To Lack, To Find

Love, love, love, what is it.

That day with the mysterious Wu Yi Fan was one that would remain in Bom’s overcrowded mind for a long time. Not that anything particularly memorable or peculiar occurred; there was just the overwhelming feeling of oddity. Even months later after everything wrong happened; she would remember it with a bittersweet fondness.

The two strangers made their way up the highway in silence. Yi Fan shifted awkwardly. It was the first uncomfortable moment he had actually showcased, and Bom took notice. She looked over at him. His eyes flickered over to her and then back to the road, all without the movement of his head. The speed of the vehicle increased as Yi Fan’s foot pressed down on the gas, first it was slowly and then all at once he floored it. Trees and buildings were whizzing by and, to Bom, life began to feel insignificant. She felt like a gnat flying in and out of parks and clusters of buildings in a big city. Everything was going, going, going past and she was just there, in her own mind, in her own body, distant and detached from the rest of the world, whatever lay out there, whatever the world might encompass, whatever it might be. Such a small being as a gnat seems miniscule compared to the rest of the world; and that was Bom, the miniscule and insignificant gnat.

Yi Fan turned on the radio with a swift movement of the arm, the ‘top 25’ was playing; something catchy and upbeat Bom had heard playing at the super market, or at a clothing store she had gone into in passing. She didn’t know the words but bobbed her head to the beat. “I love you, I love you. Look only at me. Look only at me…” the melodic voice repeated over and over again, three or four separate times. Yi Fan shifted again, but this time Bom didn’t look over, she only continued to bob her head along with the song. Then, he cleared his throat. Bom stopped and gave Yi Fan a sidewise glance, for he sounded as if he wished to say something. He didn’t. Instead, he changed the radio station. This time it was a slow trot song sung by a man with a deep voice. “My love, I wish you would look only at me, only at me, at me…” The man sang. Yi Fan grunted and changed it again. An EDM beat played through the speakers and for a moment there were no words. Then Bom realized there was a very small voice in the background. “Love, love, love, what is it. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love…” It went on and on. All the words strung together in one long tone that, if one hadn’t listened close enough or long enough, one would never realize there were actual words.

Yi Fan huffed and turned the radio off. The silence that surrounded the two before returned again with what seemed like more vehemence. This time Bom shifted. She sat for a second. There was an odd feeling in the air. Something had changed. She couldn’t quite place her finger on it. She realized she was finding the car stuffy and difficult to breathe in. She took that moment to roll down her window. Once it was about one fourth of the way down, she leaned her head back and started breathing deeply, but there was a chill in the air and Bom found herself cold quickly and rolled the window back up. By this time they were back in the center of Gangnam and surrounded by tall buildings, no trees.

Bom wanted to know where exactly they had to drop the “things” off in Gangnam of all places. “Where are we going?” she asked quietly. Yi Fan shifted and grabbed something from his pocket. He handed it to Bom. It was a piece of paper with messily written numbers and symbols scratched on it.

“That address,” he stated simply.

Bom wanted to also ask why. But because of his outburst earlier, she refrained from doing so. Not even five minutes later, they pulled aside into the entrance of a parking garage. After paying for their spot, they drove completely into the garage and began to hunt for the open spot that the machine had specified as one of the last. Yi Fan’s black car passed other black cars, and Bom realized how exquisite and expensive the other cars were. None of them looked to be less than 100 million won. And a majority of them were black. They were almost all black, dark and shiny, and there was an air of mystery to each one of them. Who drives them to work, who buys them, what kind of family do they belong to?

Bom was not born wealthy. And if her thoughts were readable at that moment, Yi Fan would know it. She could never get used to the expensive things people had, even when those people were her and her friends. She, Ah Young, and two or three others were the top paid hostesses in Seoul, and probably Korea. They made a good amount of money and didn’t even have to pay for housing; it was covered by Tae Woo. Bom wasn’t comfortable with it though, she could never be. So she lived simply, and had few belongings, which made her apartment, to Yi Fan, seem cold. However, it didn’t bother Bom too much.

When she was born, her father was a musician and her mother was a primary school teacher. Bom was used to just scraping by growing up and came to like it. Small things seemed larger and when you reached a small goal a wealthy person could reach in an instant, it was all the more rewarding. It was honorable in a way. Bom adored her father. He was always either playing music or listening to music, of all kinds and sorts. The most memorable part that, looking back, Bom was the most grateful for was that her father was very open-minded. Not only with music, but he was very open minded with everything. He accepted people for who they were and how they lived. Her mother was this way too. And thinking about it now, Bom was flooded with overwhelming nostalgia. She missed her parents enormously.

Yi Fan’s car suddenly stopped and Bom realized they had parked. Yi Fan rummaged around for a moment and then looked at Bom.

“…You should stay,” he said apprehensively. The statement caused for Bom to feel uncomfortable.

“No, there are too many plants for you to carry. I’ll help you,” Bom retorted.

“No, you should stay,” he insisted.

Why should she? He dragged her all the way here, and she was just supposed to ‘stay here’ and wait in the car. Hell no. She rested her hand on his wrist. “No,” she said looking into his eyes. “I’m going to help. It’s okay, I’m a big girl.”

Yi Fan didn’t respond and shifted in his seat so he was looking straight. His eyes shut for a moment. Less than 30 seconds later he opened his eyes again and exited the car. Bom followed latterly. By the time Bom reached the rear of the car where the trunk was, Yi fan had it opened and one of the huge plants was on the ground waiting to be picked up and carried in.
Bom bent down to pick it up. It was a lot heavier than she anticipated. How much could some dirt in a plastic pot weigh? Yi Fan grabbed the other of the largest plants, and closed the back with the foot sensor nice cars were now equipped with.

“What about the other ones?” Bom asked pointing her chin toward the vehicle.

Yi Fan shook his head as if to say “no” and started walking away. Both now equipped with their plants, they began to make their way to the elevator that would take them to the building.

Once in the building, Bom was taken by a shiver. Not that it was particularly cold, it was normal weather for that time of year, but there was a distinct chill in the air, and the entire ambiance of it all was eerie. They walked down a dark hallway that was lit by overhead fluorescent lights. The fluorescent nature of the bulbs made the hallway colder. Bom never noticed before now, but she realized she missed incandescent light bulbs. They were certainly warmer, and they made her feel like the world was old again.

The old world… What does that even mean? To Bom, it meant a time when she was with her parents. Of course, Bom’s definition of the old world I certainly not “old” by any means, but to her, it’s so far in the past that she can barely even recall faces. And that frightened her, certainly so, she was frightened by the fact that she could not remember her own parents’ faces. She knows they were indeed kind faces; they weren’t too beautiful or too ugly, quite average, indeed, but Bom concluded that if she were to be given a set of ten pictures, and two of them were her parents, she would not know which were of her relation.

And it was absolutely terrifying. Had it really been that long? No, it hadn’t been long at all. But, Bom’s memories were gone. There was a time when Bom remembered absolutely nothing of her parents or her life before the big accident. The doctors had called it Post-traumatic Amnesia. Slowly, her memories returned one by one, slowly, then all at once it seemed, but the faces, the faces of her poor parents never returned to her memories.

It was in that way that Bom hated herself. Why could she never remember things that were important to her? Her mind always defeated her wholly and completely. Every single time, her mind, her memories, the chasms or her deep thought, they deceived and defeated her and it took a toll on her. Of course, this taxing toll was not physical, however the mind controlled the body didn’t it? And if the mind was being deceived, defeated, tolled upon constantly, wouldn’t that affect the body? Bom was always so tired. She grew tired of everything. She hated everything. Everything was so difficult for her. Why did she half to suffer? Enveloped in her own self-pity, Bom’s thoughts flickered to Ji-ri, the poor North Korean girl she let work at Cheongnyangni, the poor girl she let get beat, the poor girl she brought over through China, the poor girl she deceived, the poor girl who pays the ultimate price for Bom’s sins. Bom wasn’t suffering. What was she thinking? How could she pity herself so much? When Ji-ri is suffering because of Bom’s actions? Bom hated herself even more. What was wrong with her?

Now consumed by her own self-loathing, Bom was surprised when Yi Fan stopped walking. It felt very sudden to Bom probably because she wasn’t paying attention, but they were in an office area. There was a front desk with a receptionist area, cubicles, separate offices for the ‘higher-ups’ enclosed in class with window views, but no one, absolutely not a soul, was within. Yi Fan took the paper out of his pocket once again, and looked at it turning it over in his hand.
There was a mixture of what appeared to be confusion and annoyance on his face. Bom watched him closely as he approached the receptionists’ desk. He plopped down the plant on the desk and looked around. Bom followed, and looked around as well. All the lights were on, and she could even hear the quiet buzz of working computers. It was creepy and Bom became extremely uncomfortable when she could no longer hear Yi Fan walking around behind her.

She turned and he was no longer there. The plants where there, exactly where he and she had left them, but he was nowhere to be seen. No panicking, Bom walked back to the reception area. “Yi Fan? Where did you go?” She asked to the air. There was no reply. “Hello?” Bom was starting to get a little irritated. How could he just leave her here? She heard some rustling coming from behind the reception desk and went to investigate. She saw that there was a door open a crack. She hadn’t seen it before and assumed Yi Fan had gone through there. It led to a dark room, a literal dark room where photos are developed. It was quite a large dark room, the office floor they had entered was probably some photography company that developed customers’ pictures there. She saw Wu Yi Fan standing on the other side of the room.

“Yah, Wu Yi Fan! Why didn’t you answer me?” She asked

The figure Bom thought was Wu Yi Fan turned, and it was not Wu Yi Fan. Even in the small red lighting the dark room had, she could tell.

“Oh, sorry… I… I thought you were someone else,” Bom said, taking a step back. Yi Fan then entered, alarmed.

“Choi In Sun Sajangnim,” Yi Fan immediately bowed, a full ninety degree bow, no less. “Anneyonghaseyo.” Bom hesitated but soon bowed as well.

When Yi Fan rose, Bom rose too. Squinting, Bom finally recognized the man. It indeed was Choi In Sun. She recognized him from the other day at Club Hexagon, Tae Woo Sajangnim’s mob friend.

“I am so sorry for her actions, please let me apologize. She didn’t know any better.” Yi Fan said in a strong voice that boomed off the dark walls of the small room. The man simple chuckled.

“Ohhh…” the man said waving his had in the air as if pushing away Yi Fan’s tangible concern.
He chuckled again. “This must be your girl eh? How’d you trick this one into liking you huh?” Yi
Fan laughed, then Choi In Sun laughed, both laughed, Bom smiled.

Still laughing, Yi Fan spoke first. “This is Bom,”

“Bangabseubnida,” Bom said quietly, bowing again.

“Ah yeh yeh, nice to meet you...” Choi in Sun said tilting his head slightly to bow. “Very beautiful,”

Yi Fan then spoke. “I brought the specifics you asked for.”

“Oh did you?” Place them where you normally do in the stock room,” Choi In Sun replied momentarily looking at Yi Fan then back to Bom. It was an uncomfortable stare, but Bom didn’t really mind it, she was in the business of uncomfortable stares. Yi Fan left, to go put the “specifics” in the stick room Bom assumed, and then it was just her and Choi In Sun.

There was an abnormally long silence, and Bom could hear the buzzing of the red dark room lights. It slowly became louder and louder in Bom’s ears until Choi In Sun spoke.

“Are you wondering what an old man like me is doing in an office building?” He asked. He was an old man, not extremely, but his hair was greying, and his facial hair was growing in completely grey as well.

Bom laughed politely. Choi In Sun continued, adjusting his glasses.

“I own this building. And I own the business in it, all the business.”

“Yehh..” Bom nodded in understanding.

“I control the magazines. A monopoly you could call it,” he said.

“Do you like photography?” Bom asked gesturing to what he had been working on before she interrupted him. He chuckled again.

“Why yes I do…”

Yi Fan entered again. “I’ve finished.” He bowed. “Ryu Oh should be here soon with the rest.”

Choi In Sun chuckled again. “Don’t interrupt me, boy,” he said still smiling. He said it with such earnestness; it was slightly terrifying to Bom the shift that had occurred in that moment. There was anger in Choi In Sun’s eyes, they widened and his face reddened slightly.

Bom stayed silent, and Choi In Sun completed his sentence. The group chatted for a few more minutes until Choi In Sun received a phone call and dismissed them with the wave of his hand, the same wave from earlier when he dismissed Yi Fan’s worry, as if it was a real tangible being. This time it was tangible, Yi Fan and Bom were physical, tangible, real.

When they were finally back in Yi Fan’s car, Bom spoke first. “What were we dropping off?”

“Nothing.” Yi Fan replied.

“Tell me!” Bom whined.

“It’s not your concern!”

Bom went quiet. She was alarmed and surprised at the sudden burst of anger. She wanted no part in this. “Let me out.”

“Here? No. It’s too far away from…”

“Let me out here!” Bom shrieked. The car stopped and she quickly got out of the warm interior and into the cold outside world. Both environments were cold though, and Bom didn’t want it anymore.

“Look, I’m sorry I shouted…” Yi Fan said from inside the car leaning over the middle console.

“I don’t know how long you’ve been in this business, but I can assure you that I’ve been around this shit a long time and I know the ins and outs. I’m not some insolent damsel in distress.” She said angrily. She knew what they exchanged was illegal drugs and last time Bom had anything to with that people got caught, people went to prison, people died. Tae Woo promised her she wouldn’t have to deal with anything of the sorts again. But a gangster’s promise is like fools gold, it looks viable and legitimate but in the end it’s worthless. Bom knew that now.

Yi Fan got out of the car and after quickly chasing the perimeter of the front, he was right next to Bom. He stool facing her, their bodies so close, she could feel his heat radiating onto her. He leaned down so his face was leveled with hers, not even a centimeter away, noses brushing against one another’s. Bom’s breath caught. He was very quick to do things like this, always surprising her when he did. “I know it was drugs.” She whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he said as if he understood her history with the business. He looked at her lips. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Bom drew up her arms and placed them around his neck. Then with his usual yet surprising speed, Yi Fan closed the remaining distance between the two bodied, pulling Bom’s small figure up to him and pressing his lips against hers. Bom didn’t pull away; she didn’t think about anything else at all, she only kissed back and she felt safe.

~~~

The morning after, Bom rode the train home with her aloe plant in her arm. She had awoken before Yi Fan and left as to not bother him. That night with Yi Fan had been unexpected, and Bom regretted it a little bit the morning after. She felt guilty, Kyung Soo was probably wondering where she was. And it wasn’t that the two were dating, exactly, but if Bom were to have a boyfriend, he would be the closest thing to it.

Yi Fan’s place was in Guro-gu, a small, yet clean place, two stories above a Paris Baguette shop. He had told her that night that he liked it because it was quiet and far away from noise of the busy places he did business. She didn’t question him on that; it was pretty quiet over there.
Since it was six in the morning, Bom predicted that none of the hosts would be up. She was right. Aside from the one she saw just getting home, no one else was out. There were no problems quickly and silently getting to her apartment.

Inside, nothing had changed. Her half-gone mug of coffee was still on the kitchen counter, her fridge was till empty, and there were still no house slippers to change into. The door locked behind her and she heard it beep. Then she locked the bolt. She set her aloe pant on the window sill and inspected it. It was still alive. “Heh,” she laughed to herself. She hadn’t killed it yet, go figure.

Bom found as she looked at her Aloe plant, she was humming that song from the radio. Love, love, love what is it steamed through her head. She sighed. That song is so contagious, she thought to herself.

Notes

Sorry for the 4 month hiatus. School is really difficult, and each chapter takes me like a million hours to complete. I just had no time. :/