Fateful Encounter

Not much happened for a long time. There was an unbearable silence from Kai, and if it weren’t for the crazy amounts of studying I had to do, I would have gone crazy from the loneliness. My days were filled with studying and not much else. The empty, hollow feeling in my heart remained ever present and no matter what I tried to do, it refused to go. Every time I checked my phone, I was reminded of what I had lost and the guilt would stab at me over and over again. It was a painful, never-ending cycle that only dulled when I busied myself. But busying myself took effort; effort I couldn’t be bothered exerting.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, would be the beginning of exams. Today is revision day, and it’s solely dedicated to studying. However, my parents will be back on Sunday, which ends my current situation of freely moping around the house. I’m not prepared to tell them about Kai, though. What would they think?

-Skip to Friday-

Finally, exams are finished. I see all of my classmates celebrating and laughing, walking off in their friendship groups to no doubt purchase food rewards. A group of girls walk past me, discussing the questions of the exam, and I wonder at how they can discuss that when I can’t even remember sitting the exams at all. They passed in a blur – a mere distraction from the hollow feelings inside. As I walk home, a hand covers my mouth and eyes. Oh my goodness, this is it. I’m going to die. My heart is pumping for all it’s worth, the world feels like it’s moving in slow motion as I try to scream. I deserve this. It’s karma.

“TJ! What’s up with you? Why are you so pale?” The hands remove themselves and Luhan walks in front of me. I put my hand on my chest, trying to calm my poor heart.
“Never. Do. That. Again.” He laughs at me, his eyes twinkling in the afternoon sun.
“Why not?”
“I thought I was getting kidnapped!” I hit his arm, and he fakes pain, even going so far as to fall onto the ground. I’m not in the mood for this, so I keep walking.
“Wait, TJ! Where are you going?” Please leave me alone.
“Home.”
“But we should hang out!”
“No thanks. I just want to go home.”
“TJ I think it would be good if we do something fun. Maybe it will cheer you up?”
“Look, I’m not depressed, ok? Stop saying something will cheer me up. I will be cheerful when I’m ready, but at the moment, I’m still a mess. I need time to heal, Luhan. Please understand.”
“I do, understa- TJ, stop walking away!” I’m so fed up with his bull crap. Always spouting nonsense about cheering me up. I wish he would leave. Luhan grabs my wrist, holding tight and refusing to let go.
“I’m not letting you go. It’s unhealthy to be cooped up in your house all the time and doing nothing but moping. At least do something productive! You know what Kai is doing?”
“OH, SO NOW YOU AND KAI ARE BEST BUDDIES AGAIN?” I don’t know what made me scream at him, when I was asking Luhan just a few weeks ago to fix his friendship with Kai. “I-I’m sorry I said that. Don’t think about it, it-it just fell out. I’m sorry.”

I guess it’s reality that I really was attached to Kai. After nearly one month of absolutely zero contact, I only yearn to see him. I was hoping I would be over him by now, but I guess it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t want to go on without Kai. My world is slowly spiraling out of my control and I don’t even want to fix it.
It feels like someone is following me, and I turn around, and surprise, surprise, it’s Luhan. How annoying.
“Do you mind?”
“Not at all.” Ugh.
“I’d like to-“
“Be left alone. Yeah, yeah I know. I also know, as the son of a therapist, that being inside an enclosed space for extended periods of time is extremely bad for the mental health of a person who has experienced… bad things.”
“You know, you sounded pretty legitimate for the first half of that, but you failed to convince me.”
“Aw, come on! I’m not the expert in the field! I just know some stuff, but the stuff I know is legit.”
“Look, just go home. I’m sure you want to hang out with your own friends. I want to hangout with myself, too. If you leave, it’s a win-win situation.”
“Um, a little awkward, but.. my friends are kind of taking sides between him and me. I don’t want to cause trouble, so I left them.” Of course he pulls this on me. The amount of guilt I feel goes from about 5% to 500% in a space of 0.2 seconds. Because of me, not only is their friendship sabotaged, but their friends are divided. Just great. I have to do something now to make it up to him even a little bit.
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this. But, fine. I’ll do something with you.”

The way his eyes lit up and the way he smiled at me almost made my heart skip a beat. Almost. It did feel slightly good to make him look so happy, and I turn away to hide my red face. This is the only positive feeling I’ve had all month, and a small part of me is disappointed with the fact that it’s not Kai who’s smiling at me.

You had your chance and you blew it. This is what you get. Beggars can’t be choosers.

That’s true.
“I’ll get changed. Meet me at the park in 1 hour!” Luhan grins, and runs off excitedly. I shake my head and regret agreeing to him immediately. Admittedly, it IS my fault he has no friends, so I guess I owe him at least this much. It seems that I do these things with Luhan because I feel bad about the trouble I’ve cause him, but is it really because I feel bad or because he makes me feel good? How troublesome.

Notes