Through Better and Worse
Today I feel a sick it must be the chemotherapy. It’s been four months since I agreed to go through with the chemotherapy and everyone once in awhile I’ll start feeling sick, but it may also be the few other treatments that they are putting my through.
I run my hand through my hair as I feel a wave of dizziness hit me.
I feel clumps of hair being stuck in my fingers.
I sigh as I look at the mass of hair I had taken off my head.
“I might as well be dead,” I mumble to myself as I hear someone knocking at my door.
I walk over to it and look through my little peephole to see my friend Amber standing there bouncing up and down with her little bag that I know has salon stuff.
She told me she was coming over earlier since she knows that I’ve been feeling really sick lately so she told me that I was going to be treated like a princess.
I open the door to see her smile drop but as I smile back at her, she smiles right back at me, but I still see a hint of sadness in her eyes.
As we sit there and talk, she pulls out her razor since I told her to from her salon since I was tired of hiding in my house for the last few days because my hair was coming out in clumps.
As she shaves my head we talk but we avoid the talk of Joon, my ex and member of MBLAQ, since we broke up a little over a year ago when I started to feel sick.
I went to the doctors the next month once I got Joon to leave me alone and found out that I had leukemia end of stage two.
I was stubborn to start treatment because Joon showed up a few times after my appointment asking me why I broke up with him.
It took me a while to get him to leave me alone.
Since then also I’ve been a bit of a shut in and mostly working from home.
After she shaves my head and when she’s done she tells me to change into shorts and a tank top. I smile and slowly make it to my room.
When she turned her back to me when she got up to go to her room I let my tears fall down my face. She tries to act like she’s not afraid or in pain but I know she is.
I also know that she misses Joon a lot but she doesn’t want him to be in pain because of her cancer.
Also she was already in a bit of pain because of him since they had went out for three years and his fans or anyone even knew about them.
When she started feeling sick she thought it was because she was so stressed out because of him and it was her body to just get rid of him.
I mean the members knew she was a friend of his but that was all they knew.
They both are in pain.
I know this because I saw Joon yesterday and he seemed a lot more moody and down.
Joon has always been good at hiding his feelings. He’s a good actor and that’s what bothered ____ as well.
I stare into space until I hear her phone going off.
I look down to see that its ____ and that it’s Joon.
“Joon leave her alone,” I say right away.
“Noona,” its not Joon but Mir.
“Mir what is it?”
“Have you seen Joon he’s been gone for the last few days and left his phone home?”
“I saw Joon yesterday when I went to visit ____ a few days ago and that was the last time I saw him.”
I hear uneven footsteps behind me. I turn around to see that ____ is against the wall near her bedroom door at the end of the hall holding her head.
“Amber can you take me to the hospital?" ___ asks trying to be loud when really she sounds nothing but weak.
I forget I have the phone in my hand and run over to her, “______-ah are you alright? I should have just left this for another time.”
She shook her head before I can reach her completely she falls down unconscious.
“Amber what is it? What’s wrong with noona?”
“I’m sorry Mir but I need to get her to the hospital.”
I hang up not telling him that she needed a hospital all I cared about was that ____ would get to the hospital.
Its been a year since she broke up with me but I feel the wound like it was yesterday.
I have been able to make sure that no one knew what was up.
Still was it because I wouldn’t’ tell anyone about us.
That must have been it, but she never seemed like she cared.
I sigh as I turn back to the dorms deciding that I’m done with my random disappearance act.
When I reach the dorms, I run into the guys as they race out of the dorm’s door.
Mir tries to speak but he’s breathing to hard and looks like he was crying.
Thunder is right behind him and he looks panicked and so does Seungho and GO.
“What’s up with you guys?”
“_____-ah is in the hospital,” Seungho tells me.
I feel my gut drop and I asked panicking, "What do you mean?”
“Well Mir tried to call her to see if she had seen you around but Amber answered and he heard her say something about bringing her to the hospital well she was freaking.”
I run into the dorm and grab my keys and race past them driving to the hospital that is the nearest to ____’s apartment.
When I reach the hospital I race to the reception desk and ignore the looks that I’m getting.
I ask if ______ has been admitted to this hospital and she tells me yes and asks if I’m a family member.
I say the first thing that comes to my mind, “I’m her boyfriend.”
The woman looks shocked but she lets tells me the room number anyways and without a second thought I race to the room.
When I reach it Amber is pacing outside the door and looks shocked when she sees me.
“Joon,” she throws her arms around my neck and starts crying.
“Amber what’s wrong? What happened to _____?”
“She fainted,” she just keeps crying, “her vitals are below the norm and the doctors don’t know what to do if the can't find a donor.”
“A donor? A donor for what?”
“A bone marrow donor,” Amber starts wiping her tears, “I hate to be the one to tell you but Joon she has cancer, leukemia stage two almost stage three.”
My heart squeezes tighter and I feel tears run down my face, “Is that why she broke up with me?”
“Yes, she broke up with you because of that and she felt betrayed that no one knew about your relationship. At first she thought that was what made her sick because of the stress it had caused her."
At that second a doctor walks out of the room in hospital garb and has a faint smile on his face, “She’s awake. She can see people for a little bit but don’t make her stressed.”
Amber walks in and I look at the doctor, “What is her possibility of surviving this?”
“We though the chemotherapy was all she needed because she didn’t have any bad side effects until today.”
“What do you mean?"
“How about you talk with her?”
“After one more question how long does it take to wait for a donor?”
“It can take a while to find one that matches her HLL type.”
“Can you test me?”
“Well since she has no family listed on her chart it would be a good idea to test friends and family. So yes we can test it later today if you’d like to.”
“Yes, that would be great," the doctor nods and writes down a number on a piece of paper, "Call this number in an hour and we’ll see what we can do.”
I nod and walk into the room to see her lying on the bed chatting with Amber as if nothing happened.
I check my pockets for my phone to feel it wasn’t there.
I sigh as I watch them I feel someone poke my back to turn back to see the guys behind me.
Mir hands me my phone and Thunder whispers, “Are you going in?”
I shake my head and whisper back, “She didn’t want me to know so I guess I won’t.”
I turned and left them standing at the door shocked. I’m going to ask if I can be tested today and not wait an hour or so.
I see the members of MBLAQ standing at my hospital door I smile trying to act like nothing is wrong.
They ask me what happened and instead of lying I told them everything. I told them about my cancer.
Mir sat at my side and rested his head on my shoulder, “Noona did you and Joon-hyung date?”
I’m not going to lie to them anymore, “Yes, we dated for a few years.”
“Did you break up with him because you got cancer?”
“No, I thought I was sick because I was so stressed out because he wouldn’t tell anyone about us.”
GO nods his head but says, “Want to know a secret?”
I nod and look up at him, “I had a feeling the two of you were going out because I heard him muttering about a grand surprise for your anniversary.”
“Do you know what?”
“No, when was it?”
I tell them the date and they look at each other and gasp, “That was what Joon had talked the manager bring you that day before you two broke up.”
“What do you mean guys?”
“I mean I think he was going to tell everyone one because was had to show up on a show and we heard the manager and Joon arguing about how he wanted to surprise someone special.”
I start to cry Joon was going to tell people about us.
“Do you have my phone?”
“Yeah here,” she hands me my phone and I try to call Joon only to keep going to voicemail because he has it off.
I start to cry and Amber and the guys start to try to cheer me up.
It’s been three days since I’ve been admitted to the hospital and I haven’t seen a sign of Joon even after all the voicemails I left him. I bet I filled his mailbox.
I told the guys to try and bring him here but they told me that Joon was sick because he had stayed out to late.
It confused me since he was always hard to get sick but I shrugged it off.
My doctor, Dr. Lee, comes into my room with a smile on his face, “I have some great news we found a donor for you.”
“That was fast,” I say astonished.
“We know but you should be ready for the transplant later today since you’ve been here and have bee taking meds for it since the start.”
I nod smiling at the doctor, “Do I know the donor?” He nods his head so I ask, “Can I know who my donor is?”
“Would you like it if we placed him in the room next to yours maybe?”
I nod and smile but start coughing. I’m handed a glass of water and after I drink it I must have fallen asleep.
The entire day I jump up and down and try to guess the person that will be giving bone marrow.
In the end, I stop because my head starts to hurt.
No one visits me today it must be because they want it to be a surprise but why would they?
Oh well when its time for the transplant I’m put to sleep because I couldn’t stay still.
I wake up to see a screen moved next to me to give the person next to me privacy.
When Dr. Lee comes in he smiles brightly at me, “Well good news is it seems that the transplant went well and there isn’t a trace of your leukemia left.”
I smile back at him.
He laughs, “Oh that reminds me would you like to know who your donor was?”
I nod my head, “Of course who was it I know?”
He laughs a bit and says, “Ok I’m pulling the curtain back.”
When he pulls it back laying in the bed next to me is Joon smiling like a fool half-asleep.
“Joon,” I gasp out.
He smiles and looks at the doctor and he nods leaving the room.
Joon stands up even though he seems to have a bit trouble with it and walks over to my bed side.
When he reaches my side, he leans over and kisses my forehead, “Don’t ever do that to me again.”
Trying to play innocent, I look up at him, “Do what?”
“You lied to me about why we broke up, lied to me about why you wouldn’t even talk with me, and didn’t tell me that you had cancer. In addition, who was the person that was afraid to let others know about us. I had always wanted to go out on a date with you without being secretive. I just was never sure how to talk to you about that. I know that I flirted with girls and did a few other things that must have pissed you off but,” to shut him up you lean up and kiss him.
“I know I’m sorry Joon. I really am I thought you were going to do it yourself and then when I was talking with the guys GO told me that you had a surprised for me for our anniversary and I feel like an idiot. You were going to announce on live television about us weren’t you.”
He looks down and plays with his hands, “Neh.”
I smile at him and feel tears run down my face. When he looks up again to see my tears he frowns dan starts to wipe them away.
He hates it when people cry and he hates it even more when I cry even though it’s a tendency of mine to do so even when I’m happy.
He wipes the tears away after giving me a look that said please don’t cry the one that I always use to get.
“Joon you forgive me right?”
He looks at me as if I’m crazy so I start crying thinking that he hasn’t forgiven me.
“Babo,” he pulls me into a hug, “Of course I forgive you. You know me love I would not be mad at you I’m frustrated but not mad. I missed you so much.”
I smiled and kissed him, “Are you really ok with me having leukemia since it’s more possible to come back?”
“We’ll deal with that when the time comes.”
“What if I have problems with having a baby?”
“Then we’ll adopt.”
I give him a coy look, “You seem to have the answers for everything don’t’ you.”
He laughs and kisses me, “So if your next question are we back together then yes we are back together, love.”
I smile at him as I feel him gently push me to the side, the bed shifts a little bit under his weight, and I feel his arms wrap around me as he pulls me against his chest.
I fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and hearing him hum my favorite song when we were dating.